


Sacrifice

by WolfyWordWeaver



Series: Marked [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Blood and Gore, Brotherly Love, Death, Depression, Folklore, Ghosts, M/M, Murder, Mythology - Freeform, Suicidal Thoughts, Supernatural Elements, The Deathly Hallows, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Werewolf Culture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-17
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:34:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 27,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24225928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfyWordWeaver/pseuds/WolfyWordWeaver
Summary: Against the wishes of his friends Sirius decides to try to rid himself of the Mating Mark no matter what it takes. The journey will involve Dementors, ghosts, Azkaban, blood magic, a human sacrifice, and more than Sirius ever thought he could give up. In the end, will it be enough?
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Regulus Black & Sirius Black, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Series: Marked [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1748599
Comments: 26
Kudos: 51





	1. Chapter 1

The sound of footsteps cautiously treading behind him was not as comforting as it would have been a few months ago. Each step squished into the boggy grassland and Sirius could imagine how annoyed Remus would be with his socks soaking wet. Hopefully they wouldn't need to be out here for too much longer. Mist swirled around them, the water droplets clinging to their robes and hair. Each delicate little droplet nestled in his bangs glistened like a Swarovski diamond even without the sunlight streaming through the overcast wall of clouds.

Grey eyes dared to glance back over his shoulder to see the pale and grim face of his friend. The last full moon had been over a week ago but he barely looked recovered. Sirius had tried to argue that he could do this trip alone, but there was almost no stubbornness like that of Remus Lupin. Those hazel eyes caught his and an eyebrow quirked in question. He just shook his head and stared forward again. The sounds of the bog were quieting the more they moved in this direction.

Remus was going to be royally pissed when he realized what they were really here for, and Sirius wanted to be remorseful but he just couldn't manage to. There wasn't much he could feel these days but agony. His hand squeezed tightly around the girth of the wand in his hand, the tingle of magic taut between his fingers and the wood of the wand still feeling a bit foreign. This latest wand didn't feel as comfortable as his first one had but he hadn't bothered searching for a new one. It was just a distraction.

His foot sunk into something different than the normal soggy earth and grass and Sirius twitched his nose at the scent of decay. Pausing only long enough to cast charms on his shoes to keep him from sinking into the bog itself, Sirius continued marching forward. It was nearly completely silent now, and he noticed the hint of frost that was curling over the tips of the grass. They were making their way deeper into the bowels of the bog than most people could manage, and he ignored the first twisted hand he saw stretching out from the tarred depths. He heard the quickened gasp from Remus behind him, but the man had enough sense to remain quiet. It wouldn't be much further; the Animagus could practically smell his target from this distance.

A brush of fingers against his was the only communication that Remus needed to use to let Sirius know that he was feeling antsy and uncomfortable here. Sirius was sure that those werewolf senses were hating the stench here and maybe the Dark Creature was sensing the presence of its legitimately evil cousin. He squeezed back, fingers already feeling frozen and an ache of phantom pains from his missing ring finger. Grief started to weigh heavy over him, the pressure like a blanket settling uncomfortably over his lungs and the fog wanting to fill every crevice of his mind. He was looking for it, so he recognized the signs quickly; it would take Remus just a few minutes longer, but not because he was a slouch at recognizing things from the Dark Arts. He probably would have identified it just as quickly except that he was on the lookout for a Dark Relic.

The first glimpse Sirius caught of the fluttering cloak was out of the corner of his eye before it disappeared into the mist. He was seeing more bodies now, the tar of the bogs keeping them preserved better than even the ancient Egyptian methods could manage. There were so many histories tied to this place, lives cut short by ritual or by greed. Ghosts haunted these forests, their spectral eyes glittering quietly at the flesh and blood passing through. They were centuries old and couldn't care less about these mortals who were less than a speck in the time of eternity. Sirius couldn't care less about the fucking ghosts. He had a date with something much better - and there were two in the area if his information was reliable.

For a moment it was as if even silence itself wasn't quiet enough and sound was sucked out of the air along with the light. The dark figure glided in from the right, its figure wispy and floating over the ground with more ease than should be physically possible. This time, Sirius knew that Remus had seen it and with a quick flick and roll of his wrist he casted a wordless full body-bind curse on the wizard. Another quick movement and he kept the surprised body frozen upright, its power of petrification a weak one only meant for a couple of minutes, if that. The other Dementor knew that it didn't need to keep its presence hidden away so it didn't bother to hide its shaky and rattling breath. It was easy to know that they were scenting out the two humans. Over his shoulder Sirius added a quick corporeal Patronus to walk around Remus to keep him safe while he strode over the the nearest Dementor. He had never had a conversation with one before but assumed that it was easiest with a level of Legilimency skills, something that he was good at.

Knowing that he had a limited amount of time to get this done, Sirius marched right up to the creature and pulled its hood down to reveal the scabbed and empty eye sockets and that horrid gaping hole where its mouth should have been. The creature was surprised by his actions and Sirius knew that he wasn't yet finished with surprising it. Grasping its face in a mockery of intimacy, he forced his mouth over its own and could immediately feel the tingling drain throughout his body.

_I need to know about Azkaban, Dementor._

The conversation was more like a furious scrolling of images and emotions as this creature didn't speak in the English language as well as some of the others of its kind. This Dementor had not spawned from the depths of that prison but it had been through that cursed land for a short period of time before moving on. As he felt the cold dread sinking heavily into his limbs Sirius pressed it for all the information he needed. The creature didn't mind sharing the information which was rather polite as it was sucking the very soul out of him. He could feel the second Dementor pressing up against his backside, almost as if crushing him in a polyamorous embrace with its brother. It was harder to keep track of the flashing images and the conversation as he felt his legs buckling underneath his weight and a cold scabby arm wrapped around his waist.

Hands that had been holding the decayed face fell limply to his sides and his senses seemed to fade out. There was nothing warm in his body anymore, and Sirius wondered if that's what it felt like to have your soul completely sucked out of its mortal housing only to be kept for eternity in the stomach of a Dark Creature. Cold and empty. For a hazy minute he actually felt some relief. The frigidity was a welcome relief to the burning blood he had to deal with every waking moment, but he couldn't remember why he was happy. He couldn't remember the features to the face that came blurred into his mind, nothing but the scars.

It was another few minutes before he realized that there was a new taste in his mouth, something decidedly not death related. It was warming and silky with an almost coffee like aftertaste. Bitter and dark, but with that hint of sweetness and nuttiness that Remus enjoyed. His tongue danced over the broken sliver of chocolate, surprised that it hadn't completely melted yet before realizing that his entire body was trembling from the cold. There were muzzy words being spoken above him, but he couldn't make any sense of it. There was a twisting sensation in his gut and then only darkness.

*****

"I don't know what else to fucking do!"

Sirius blinked slowly, his eyes having a difficult time focusing.

"I'll Floo Dumbledore," came another voice before a heavy sigh. "I mean, fuck! What else can we do?"

"It won't help any!" There was a long string of expletives and something that sounded like a table being kicked over or something. "I keep writing to him, but he can't just magic up an answer! It's been months, James!"

"Can't you just...gah, why can't killing that fucker be the answer?!"

"Maybe they could give _him_ the mother fucking Dementor's Kiss?"

"Wouldn't that be nice," James snorted in reply. "But it's the same damn problem as just killing him."

By now his head was a bit less fuzzy and Sirius was able to sit up in his bed. The enchanted hot water bottles were still hot and tucked all around him, a strange turn as usually they were only ever used for Remus after the full moon. His mouth still tasted of dark chocolate and the earthiness of decayed leaves. Touching at his face, Sirius was almost surprised that his skin was still smooth and unmarred by the scabs and decay of the Dementors. Rolling out of the bed, he stumbled towards the living room where the voices were still arguing.

"I mean, dammit James, what is he going to think up next?! I just can't..."

"Hey," Sirius interrupted quietly as he peeked out from behind the door. Both men froze and jerked their heads to look at him.

"Bloody hell, mate!" James exclaimed, half angrily and half...impressed?

"Hello to you too, wanker," he mumbled, still feeling a bit woozy.

"I always knew you were a little man-whore, but really? Dementors are what do it for you these days?"

James was trying to make light, but it fell pretty flat. They all stared quietly at each other, each of them knowing the little known truth that Sirius had actually never been with anyone romantically outside of Remus. While he had been an incurable flirt with anything that had a pulse, he had never actually gone further than hand-holding with anyone else. It was a factor in why Sirius was taking this curse with Fenrir so hard. There had never been anyone else he had ever wanted so badly.

"You know me, James," he sighed. "Got to be the first one to try new shit."

"Being the first person in the entire history of mankind to willingly walk up and make-out with a Dementor isn't exactly the kind of record you should be looking to break," the bespectacled man snorted and shook his head. "Bloody fucking hell."

Remus' face hardened and he leveled a heated glare towards his fiance. "You used a body-bind on me," he hissed angrily. "And that was after fucking _lying_ about why we were there, Sirius! They could have destroyed you!!! And I would have had to watch the whole thing, helpless to do anything to protect you!"

Sirius was feeling exhausted and just shrugged. "I made it a weak one so that you would be able to break out quickly. It was a good estimate on my part."

"Good?! I almost couldn't revive you!" he snarled angrily before angrily swiping his hand and knocking over their Muggle radio.

James took an automatic step back, not used to dealing with the Wolf coming up so close to the surface. Sirius just rolled his shoulders and tried not to wince at the pounding pain still settled between his eyes.

"But you did, Remus. Thanks for that. Anyway, the Dementor was kind enough to answer some questions for me so it was worth it."

"What questions?" James asked with the confusion etched all over his face.

It really was adorable how he always wore his emotions so clearly; it was just another way that he and Sirius were similar. Rather, used to be similar. Sirius had dredged up his ability to wear a mask 24/7 since being bitten by Greyback.

"I just wanted to know some shit about Azkaban." Both men stared at him as if he had completely lost his mind. "But yeah, that's another dead end really. So, no more kissing Dementors for me." For now.

Now Remus looked like he was on the verge of angry tears. "That's it?! Just a bit of research?! You needed to lie to me and put me through all of that because you were... _curious_?! Fuck, Sirius."

Sirius really wanted to feel badly for the emotional turmoil that he had been putting Remus through, but he just _couldn't_. "Look, you would have tried to stop me if I told you the truth, so can we just drop this? It's not like this is the first time I've pulled shit like this."

Remus had stepped back as if he had been physically struck. Sirius sighed. Yes, he was a manipulative bastard, but never to the Marauders and _never_ to Remus. Especially not since The Incident. All three of them stood there, staring at each other for a minute before Remus nodded and then stiffly walked into his bedroom and slammed the door behind. James sighed heavily and rubbed at the back of his head.

"You shouldn't do that to him, Sirius," he chided softly. "He's really trying for you."

"I know," Sirius grumbled. "I'm trying too. It's just...I have to do this, you know?" James gave him a sympathetic look and he bristled. "Whatever, James. I'm going to grab some food from the kitchen. Want anything?"

James hesitated for a moment, another thing that really aggravated Sirius. They had been brothers for more than half of their lifetimes and yet for the last few months James seemed to be treating him as if he was a complete stranger. " _I'm the same person!"_ he wanted to scream. _"He ruined only a part of me, not everything! I'm trying so hard to fix it, why can't you see that?!"_ But the truth was that as much as Sirius wanted to be the same as he was before the bite, he wasn't. It wasn't something he could fix with a healing spell or a potion. It was a hurt that went all the way down to his soul and poisoned every inch of him.

"Have you...considered seeing a therapist?" James asked quietly.

A sneer stretched across Sirius' lips as he shoved past James and went into the kitchen. What good would talking do when he was cursed? "Food, James. Do you want food?"

The younger man put up his hands in defeat and shook his head. "No, it's okay. I'm going to be heading home now since you're obviously feeling better."

"That's fine. I'll see you later."

His words were clipped and coated in the obvious annoyance. Logically he knew that James only wanted the best for him, but he just couldn't seem to get himself to accept it or try in the ways that they wanted him to. There would be no living with this over his head - he would find a way to break the bond of his Mark or he would die trying.

"I love you."

Sirius took a deep breath as emotion formed a lump in his throat. "Yeah, James. Love you too."

The sound of the Floo echoed through their flat as Sirius swallowed down gulps of lukewarm water. His silver eyes moved to take in the view of Remus' shut door, and Sirius tried not to panic at the concerning emptiness in his chest. He couldn't let himself forget why he was doing this, _who_ he was doing this for.

*****

The typical dampness of his ancestral home was almost inviting now, and Sirius let out a sigh of relief. He would have never thought that at any point in his life he would be grateful for this townhouse, but as he lit up the Muggle cigarette and tucked it between his smiling lips Sirius was actually as close to happiness as he ever was these days.

"What are you smiling about?" the cool and unaffected voice asked.

"Hmm, the fact that I can smoke in this damn house without anyone bitching and moaning."

"I can bitch and moan."

"Yeah," Sirius agreed before he took a long pull and slowly exhaled. "But you're a lot less bothered by it these days."

"Mother would be so disappointed."

"She already is, Regulus. I just can't imagine her in the afterlife as anything less than an eternally disappointed bitch."

"You're so rude," the voice chided.

Sirius felt the coolness pass through his body and he glanced sadly at the misty figure that was all that remained of his brother.

"Are you planning on helping me do research today?" Sirius asked as he headed towards the library. Regulus was the only person that he felt safe enough with to tell everything. It was pretty sad that it took death to finally bring the two brothers back to the closeness they once had as children.

"Hmm, I don't know," Regulus replied softly, his voice weighed down by the grief he always seemed to carry. His drenched locks of hair always seemed to plaster along his face in the most unattractive ways and Sirius thought it ironic considering that his brother had always been so fastidious in life. Being disheveled for eternity must have smarted. "I don't feel so good today, Sirius."

Pausing on his way towards the stairs, Sirius looked over his shoulder at the shade. "What's the matter?"

His brother seemed to consider the words and Sirius wondered if Regulus trusted him as much as he trusted Regulus. Even in death was there a divide between them? Was this another thing that he could not seem to understand? He didn't like thinking that way and he was desperate to be here for Regulus now even if it would always ache of too little, too late. Regulus sighed morosely, a sound that was faintly reminiscent of Moaning Myrtle.

"It's nothing."

Sirius walked up to the ghost of his brother and stroked at the back of his discorporeal hand. "You can tell me. If you want to."

Regulus looked over at his brother and Sirius could see the tears rolling down his face. "It hurts, Sirius," he murmured. "Not like being alive. But it hurts."

Sirius wished more than anything that he could take his brother into his arms and hold him, just once even. "I'm sorry, Reggie. I wish that I could...just do something. Anything." He did his best attempt at nuzzling the boy's neck.

Regulus looked forward again, his blank eyes staring off into the distance. "I never wanted to be a ghost, Sirius. And this place that I'm stuck to..." He made a soft moaning sound of grief and pain. It was a sound that he had never made in life, but Sirius knew it intimately. It reverberated through him with the ache of familiarity.

"I'll leave some books out for you, okay? Maybe we can figure a way to remove your attachment to this house or a way for you to move on."

Regulus just shook his head and moaned again as he drifted off and faded out of the human visual spectrum. Sirius bit the inside of his cheek and forced himself to head back towards the study. Centuries worth of information was available on those bookshelves and he had been sifting through them for months to no real avail. Every minute stuck in this house ate away at a different part of him than the part that Fenrir was eating up, but he had to push and persevere. There was too much at stake.

All the information that he was digging up about werewolves and their magic was greatly lacking and Sirius felt overwhelmingly angry. Werewolves had been around longer than written wizarding history and yet in all that time it seemed that there was no one who really cared enough about werewolves to study them or make them better understood to themselves and others. He knew through Remus that there were some werewolf groups that passed along oral traditions, but they seemed disjointed and nonsensical most of the time. He hadn't heard all of them either, so maybe he was just missing a part from that side too. These wizarding books were pretty much useless. Even the information they offered on wizarding magic seemed to miss out on a lot of the natural magic that resided within. There wasn't a lot known about the wordless and wandless magic either.

The hints and information available about hunting the werewolves weren't helpful either and made him sick. There were savage and horrendous accounts to read and it made Sirius sick to think that his own family had been involved in such things. He knew that in some of the other Black properties they even had mounted werewolf heads. How much suffering had werewolves suffered all these years? How many times had this special bond been twisted and abused? Surely Fenrir wasn't the only one to have thought of such a horrible use. Had Fenrir seen it used before on someone? How much suffering had Fenrir seen in all of his years as a werewolf? As he stared down at an illustration of how to best skin a werewolf for its pelt, Sirius wondered about Fenrir. No one even knew how long he had been a werewolf or how old he was. There were solid records of his arrests by the Ministry going back over three decades but he was already an adult at that point. And did werewolf attributes affect aging at all?

Rubbing his forehead in aggravation, he wondered if the deep sorrow and pity for the werewolf was due to the effects of the mating magic or if he really did feel badly for Fenrir. Sirius knew the effects of living in a negative environment and it was possible that Fenrir could have been in a bad home situation even before becoming a werewolf. Had he still been living with his parents? Did they throw him out or try to kill him? Or were they like Remus' folks who tried their best? The fact that he bit Remus as vengeance for Lyall's poorly spoken words made the whole thing even more miserable. Was this a case of a hurting person lashing out to hurt others? It wasn't a huge leap of logic or possibility. It's something that Sirius himself did more often than he would like to admit.

After another fruitless day of research drew to a close, Sirius pulled out a few books on the magic of marriage bonds and set them out in a line for Regulus to read. The charms spellwork that was needed to have them turning pages at a predetermined rate and in a certain order was delicate and tricky enough that Sirius blandly thought his old professor would have been proud. He couldn't muster much positivity, especially towards his magic, but he was glad that his magic was at least still obeying him. He had been working his way through old family wands since the attack, not wanting to go out to purchase a new one yet but he always felt a bit strange and different with the way the magic flowed through each of them.

When he got back to his and Remus' flat Sirius wasn't surprised to see that it was quiet and empty. Remus had been spending more and more nights away from their home lately and Sirius hadn't been able to make himself ask the other man about it. A part of him wondered if Remus was already tired of him and was seeing someone else. It had been over six months after all of no romance and sex. It wasn't that they didn't love each other - because they still did - but Remus needed and deserved more than platonic love. He deserved more than someone who brought more than guilt and a constant pain of failure.

He sniffled quietly as he stripped his boots and socks off before working down his jeans. It hurt. He slipped the shirt over his head and crawled under the covers uncaring that he hadn't eaten that day. He couldn't remember the last meal he ate. A shaky hand slipped under his waistband and stroked his aching flesh, hating how his ears longed for the howl that would occasionally echo over the city buildings and through the alleyways. It was hard to keep his mind blank as he worked himself over, but he struggled through needing the release so badly. How much worse was this on Remus? Padfoot hadn't been allowed anywhere near Moony on the nights of the full moon anymore and Sirius hadn't been able to help him relieve his sexual frustrations around that time either. It was obvious that Remus would have to find someone else, but there was still the odd burn of betrayal in his chest. Even if he had repeatedly told Remus that it was okay for him to move on.

An unsatisfied tremor rolled through his body as the physical climax was achieved. He barely bothered with a cleaning spell before tucking himself under the comforting sheets. There would be more to do in the following weeks and he needed as much rest as possible.

*****

"Are we going to be stopping at that second-hand book shop you like?" Sirius asked tiredly as he and Remus briskly walked down Diagon Alley's main street.

"Yes, there are some books that I'd like to see if they have."

"Hm."

"Are you going to come in with me? Or head straight for Ollivander's?"

Sirius scratched at the back of his neck, wondering if he should bother with a haircut. The raven locks were already reaching down to his shoulder blades - it was the longest he had ever let his hair get.

"I'll go with you. If you want."

"Of course," Remus replied softly, his hand still automatically reaching over to clasp Sirius' before pausing mid-reach and retracting back.

Sirius shoved his hands deep into the pockets of his jeans, not having bothered with robes for this trip. Instead he was dressed as he would be if he was out curse-breaking - clothes that were easy to run in and would minimize the risk for tripping or catching on things.

"Hey there!" a cheery voice called out and both wizards looked up to see the Longbottom family. Alice's voice caught in her throat and Frank actually startled in surprise.

"Hell, Sirius, you look like shit!" he exclaimed bluntly and Sirius did his best not to take it the wrong way.

The tall wizard knew that he had lost a lot of weight from the way that he had to magically taper in his clothes to fit anymore and all the muscles he had earned from Quidditch and his non-stop curse-breaking work had been starved away. Even besides the dramatic weight loss, he knew that his whole demeanor was utterly miserable. Days spent hunched over books in the dreary Grimmauld Place with only his dead brother for conversation had taken its toll on his overall health too. Dull pale skin, limp hair, dark purple crescents under his eyes. Remus had never said anything, probably out of politeness, but the reaction from their friends was enough to gnaw at his insides. These were friends that had been planning on attending his and Remus' wedding.

Alice had elbowed her husband harshly before snatching a curious Neville back up into her arms and Remus shot Frank an annoyed look.

"We're so glad to see you two!" Alice tried to cover and Sirius only felt himself get more agitated. What did they know of his desperate and single-minded efforts?

"It's nice to see you," Remus responded somewhat stiffly. "Neville is getting so big."

"Yes, he's definitely taking after my mom's side," Alice continued while Frank looked like he was intended to keep his lips sealed shut.

"I'm going to get my wand," Sirius interrupted rudely before marching off towards Ollivander's.

He didn't want to see those pitying looks or hear the whispered conversations. He didn't want to hear how many of his friends thought that he was to blame for getting in that situation in the first place or how many of them were encouraging Remus to move on already. Were they helping him to hide one-night stands? Or maybe giving him a safe space to bring a new boyfriend? Or maybe it was even a girlfriend this time.

Pausing in front of the wand shop, Sirius leaned his forehead against the cool glass of the window and tried not to cry. When his tired eyes looked up he could see just how awful he looked and it would make perfect sense if Remus didn't want to keep trying anymore. His lips were still a darkened grey from his kiss with the Dementor. Remus didn't want Sirius to do whatever it took and maybe it was because he cared for his friend, but maybe it was also because Remus finally realized that he could do better than Sirius. There were plenty of emotionally stable, easy-going, sensible witches and wizards out there ripe for the picking. There were probably even plenty with a good source of money that could help support Remus when his work was slow.

Abandoning his task of buying a new wand, Sirius decided that there was only one wand that he wanted and he'd have to go find a certain sea-side cave to get it.


	2. Chapter 2

"You're a fool, Sirius."

"Says the brother that's actually dead," Sirius mumbled back.

Regulus couldn't even be bothered to look amused.

"You could have died."

"Well, I didn't."

There was silence for a moment as Regulus ghosted his fingers across the dark wood of his old wand, and then he was moving on to talk about the information he had learned while Sirius had been away.

"It really does seem to look like the only way you can properly end the magic of the werewolf mark is to die, Sirius. If Fenrir dies first, it still won't help you because you'll still bear the imprint. You yourself must die and that will lift the imprint off of you. You need to pass beyond the veil and see the face of the moon. It won't help you to stay with Remus, though."

"Obviously," Sirius groaned. "You know what? Fuck this. I need to focus on something else for a bit." A joke really, as there was nothing that he could focus on that wouldn't remind him of his current situation. "Did you find that possession spell I asked you to dig up?"

The younger man twisted his lips in a crooked frown, a sure sign that he was not pleased with his brother's train of thought. "I did, Sirius, but I really don't think it's a good idea."

"I didn't ask for your advice," he snapped back in annoyance. "Which book and page?"

The ghost sighed, the misty illusion of water spilling past his dark lips. Sirius was glad that he had found what remained of the body and had brought it home to be with Walburga and Orion. The Heir rested with the rest of the blasted family. After another few hours or research, Sirius looked up at the morose figure floating aimlessly through the room.

"Why are you here, Regulus?" he asked softly.

The boy moaned softly in grief and Sirius felt his heart clench. There was no way to get used to a sound like that from your baby brother.

"I don't know exactly how it happens. It's like I've said before, I was just...scared. I didn't want to die and as I was drowning all I could think about was the safety of home." Sirius stared down at his hands and wondered when the last time he thought of home as a safe place was. "I thought of our silly games out in the back garden and how mother would always call us in for tea. She would let us get away with the snails in our pockets or the mushrooms." Sirius had forgotten that Walburga had been nice to them as children. "I thought of the stories father would read to us and how after the lights were turned out you'd creep into my bed and tell me the latest chapter of whatever book you had been reading. I just wanted to be home again."

Sirius dropped his face into his hands and wept bitterly. He just wanted to be home again too.

They were both specters, haunting things that were already long past.

*****

Like many ideas that Sirius came up with, the dark labyrinth of reasoning reached a surprised ending while he floated on the cusp of wakefulness and dreams. It was years worth of reading and listening to lectures, years of myth and lore, decades of history and curse building and breaking. Sirius Black had spent his entire life preparing for this, it seemed, and in that moment the answer struck him like the proverbial bolt of lightning and he knew that he had to try it. He would never be the same again, and life could never go back to what it was. But that's how it was now. Even if Remus had already found someone else and things between them could never be the same, Sirius knew that he would still have to try. 

He could not live the rest of his life bound to someone that was not of his own choosing.

The pain of preparation was something that he did not expect, but it didn't stop him from moving forward. There was more research to do, runic languages to learn, and maps to study and route. Never in a million years would he think that he'd have to break _into_ Azkaban, but it wasn't a place that anyone could just wander into and even those who had permission to enter were never of the academic variety. With a family history so embedded in the Dark Arts as his was, Sirius was certain that the powers that be wouldn't allow him anywhere near the place regardless of if he had a good reason or not.

He didn't go back to the flat anymore. Grimmauld Place was his home again, and he put up with the horrid Kreacher only on behalf of his brother. 

A part of him wondered if everything went according to plan if he'd have the chance to kill that ridiculous house elf later, but another part of him decided that he probably wouldn't care any more. Kreacher could inherit the whole of the Black estate and he wouldn't give a damn about that either. Although that thought did make him chuckle darkly, just thinking of the horror on Lucius and Narcissa's faces. They would probably be the next to inherit, after all. He vaguely considered writing Harry into the will of ownership, but wondered if inheriting so many dark and evil things would be more of a burden than anything else. What use would a young man have for the entire dreary house with only a wrinkled and eternally soured house elf? Even James would probably suggest burning the place to the ground. Grimmauld Place and its contents were nothing at all like the comforts of the Potter manor.

With his entire focus on his studies for the past several weeks - or had it been months? - it shouldn't have been a surprise when he finally received an irate Patronus message from James.

"Sirius Fucking Black!" the shimmery deer growled. "If you don't take these damn house wards down Lily and I are going to fuck them up and bust down the door. Your ass better be in this shit hole. Grimmauld Place, of course. If you're not there, please let me know! Everyone's been trying to reach you for ages!"

Regulus looked up and sighed. "Sirius, they're going to break things."

"I know," he grumbled as he looked around in a daze. He couldn't remember when exactly he had last slept; the days all blurred together.

With jerky wandwork he quickly put all the books and scrolls back in their places and jogged down to the front door. He rubbed anxiously at his forehead for a moment before remembering how he was supposed to be able to allow people in through the extraordinary amounts of protections that Orion had wrapped around the ancestral home. Not that all those protections had done a lick of good in the end. Orion had died in the rather Muggle fashion of a heart attack only months after Regulus had been killed. All the wards did at that point was keep Walburga trapped in an oppressed home and aggravated her insanity until she completely lost all reason. Sirius suspected that Kreacher probably slipped poison in the witch's tea or something to put an end to her suffering but he hadn't bothered to ask for confirmation. It didn't matter much anyway.

With the new permissions set he could feel the tingle along his wand hand as the wards were crossed. He opened up the front door before James had the chance to kick it down out of spite. As suggested in the message, Sirius was seeing both James and Lily striding up the steps to his home with Harry and the newest addition to their family nowhere in sight.

"Where are the children?" he asked tiredly as he stepped aside to let them in.

"They're with Remus," James replied stiffly. Those chocolate brown eyes glanced around the entry hall as if looking for something (or _someone_ ) before settling back on his taller friend. "What the bleeding fuck, man?"

"I'm not shacking up with Fenrir here," Sirius bit out in annoyance. "The fucker probably couldn't stand being indoors for more than a couple of days anyway."

"It's not about Fenrir," Lily responded, her voice more successful in carrying worry than James' had been. "You haven't been home in weeks and you hadn't gone back to working either. No one knew where you were! This was the last place we looked!"

"And it took some special magic shit from Moony to help us even get a Patronus in through these wards! Damn, man!"

Sirius leaned back against the mildewing wallpaper and sighed heavily. "That's right, you've never been here before." He wondered what dear old mother would have thought about having a muggle-born witch standing proudly in her pure home. "I haven't really been paying much attention to the time," he murmured with the least amount of honesty he could get away with. "This house just kind of sucks you in."

"Why are you even here?" James was looking around the gloomy place again, this time a bit more nervously.

He shrugged. "Research."

"What about?" Lily asked as she too took in the dark dreariness.

Their questions were beginning to annoy him even though he knew they only meant the best. "Just stuff. This old house is full of all kinds of crap. Got to sort through it sometime. Might as well be now."

James wrinkled his nose and tried not to look at the decapitated house elf heads. "Is there any reason you haven't been home in weeks? You've really been worrying Remus."

The words fell flat and Sirius just studied his ragged fingernails. Remus hadn't been home much when he still had been at the apartment so he couldn't imagine that Remus missed him all that much now that he was gone. They hadn't shared a room in almost a year now.

"I'm sure he has," he spat out, too tired to keep the venom from his voice. He caught the look that James and Lily shared and tried to get them to change direction of their conversation. "Anyway, I already told you. I'm just reading through the library and sorting shit out. Takes time."

"Why don't you come have dinner with us?" Lily asked softly, her pale hand resting delicately on his arm.

He shook his head and pulled away from her touch. "I'm not hungry. It's fine."

"Mate, you need to get out," James pressed, his worry etched on his beautiful face.

"I'm fine," Sirius repeated tonelessly.

"NO, YOU BLOODY AREN'T!!!"

James' outburst startled everyone present but it also had the unintended effect of waking up the enchanted portrait right behind the married couple.

"SIRIUS!!!!" the portrait screeched angrily. "BANE OF MY EXISTENCE, BLOOD-TRAITOR TO YOUR FAMILY!!!! WHERE ARE YOU COWARD?! REGULUS, MY REAL SON WOULD NEVER-"

Shoving James and Lily aside to wrangle with the heavy curtain he had settled over the portrait, Sirius cursed his mother and her excellent magic skills. Even stark raving mad she had proved to be able to execute the permanent sticking charm perfectly out of sheer spite. He hated that they were pretty much the same, he an echo of his bitter mother. After several choice words and shouted expletives he was finally able to smother her long enough to get her to quiet down. In the following silence he took a few calming breaths before looking back of his friends.

"Sorry about that. She doesn't like company much." He was too tired to get any more offended at their frightened and pitying looks.

Swallowing thickly, James tried to gather his wits before speaking again. "Sirius, you're not okay and you haven't admitted that even once since...that day. You know you're not okay and so do the rest of us. Let us help!"

Sirius rested his head against the rough material of the curtain and tried not to let those tamped down emotions come flooding up. He didn't want to pay any attention to the terror and horror bottled in, the desperate fear that maybe he couldn't do this. There were tears he wanted to cry and being held in James' muscular arms would be a sure way to get them flowing. He wanted to share his deepest fears about what was happening with Remus and how frightened he was of being bonded to Fenrir. He wanted to admit that yes, he was not fucking okay.

But if he did all that he was sure that he'd never push through and do what needed to be done. They wouldn't let him.

It would be too risky.

"How about next week?" he mumbled tiredly before looking over his shoulder. "Dinner next week?"

James looked ready to argue but Lily took his hand and gave it a careful squeeze. He gave her a sad look before turning back towards Sirius and nodding. "Yeah, we can do dinner next week. Sunday? Harry really misses his godfather."

"Monday would be better. Day of rest and all on Sunday, you know."

Both of them gave him a strange look as he had never prescribed to any religions before.

"Er, okay," James muttered.

"I'll do all the cooking," Lily assured him. "And please talk to Remus. He's really worried about you."

"I will," he promised.

Soon they were gone and Regulus drifted in from the study.

"You didn't give yourself much time to finish this if you intend to keep that dinner date."

Sirius slumped down on the edge of the stairs. "I know. But I always do well under pressure."

The ghost remained in position for a few more minutes. "Sirius, maybe you shouldn't do this."

"Not you too," Sirius groaned.

Regulus stared at his sopping feet. "It's not that I don't want you to be happy or free from this cursed Mark. It's more...there are too many variables and if things don't work out well we might never see each other again."

Looking up through his limp hair, Sirius watched his brother shuffle uncomfortably on his feet. "I'd hate for that too, Regulus," he murmured while reaching out for the wisp of a hand. "I wish...fuck, I wish things had been different between us." The tears did spill from his eyes now. "I swore that I would always be there for you and look at how badly I failed. You never should have gone through that, any of it."

"I should have listened to you," Regulus moaned softly, the coolness of his spirited figure resting against his older brother. "It hurts, Sirius."

"I know, Regulus, I know. Please forgive me. I'm going to fix everything for you."

Shimmery eyes looked into the dull grey ones with such strong emotion. "I trust you, Sirius."

*****

"Did you get it?"

Narcissa glared at him for a moment before wandering down the musty hall and into the kitchen. Sirius followed her in annoyance but not wanting to risk her ire he remained silent. She floated from room to room, her eyes sad as she took in the state of the townhouse. Her fingers collected dust as they ran along the banner.

"I want to see him first, Sirius."

"You don't trust me?" the younger cousin sneered and Narcissa leveled him with an unamused look.

"I trust no one."

When it looked like she wasn't going to budge, he sighed heavily.

"Fine. Regulus? Cissy wants to see you."

There was a moment where nothing happened and then the pale figure peeked down from the top of the stairs.

"I was reading."

Her eyes widened before a startled sob broke past her lips. "Oh! Regulus!" Without regard for her designer heels, the haughty witch raced up the steps and paused directly in front of her baby cousin, looking devastated. "I had hoped..."

There was rivulets of water visibly spilling out past those blackened lips. "I'm sorry, Cissy."

"No, no, love. You have nothing to be sorry for." Her gloved hands ran over his shoulders and arms, careful not to go through them. "Lucius and Severus looked for you, hoping that whatever you had done...that..."

The ghost sniffled wetly. "They did? S-sev...is he okay?"

Sirius grimaced at his brother's mention of the greasy git. Severus had been convinced to become the Potions Master at Hogwarts, one of Dumbledore's most atrocious ideas. It didn't matter that he had turned spy in the middle of the war, Sirius still didn't like the cold and brash man.

"Oh, Regulus, he's...he still thinks of you."

Resting his head against the banister, Sirius sighed. Great, that's just what he wanted to hear. If he had heard any hint of this while Regulus had been alive he would have killed the slimy git with his own hands.

"Please tell him I'm sorry," Regulus whimpered as the tears started running down his cheeks and the dejected moaning started again. "Oh, Salazar, I'm so sorry."

Sirius knew that once that moaning started it wasn't very long before the boy would disappear off into whatever realm he straddled along with this one and sure enough sounds disappeared with an echo as he ran off into a wall. Narcissa and Sirius stood quietly for a minute while she dabbed at her eyes with a silk handkerchief before she strode down the steps with the elegance her upbringing instilled in her.

"Well, here is the potion as promised," she sniffed as she held out the small vial full of a molten gold liquid. "I can't believe you were right."

"It does happen on occasion," he gruffed as he swiped the bottle out of her hands. "And what the heck is that about 'Sev'? When did Regulus get so close to that slimy git?

The blond woman gave him an annoyed glare. "For your information, the two of them had an on-and-off thing going since school. They were together when he went mis-...when he died."

Sirius stared at the vial and its contents thoughtfully. He wasn't sure how to take this news; it was clear that Regulus still didn't feel comfortable sharing everything with him and that bothered him even more than the idea of his little brother getting it on with the Slytherin creep. Although the thought of that fucker's hands all over his baby brother was pretty infuriating.

"Okay, whatever. Get lost, Cissy."

"You look absolutely terrible," she sneered half-heartedly. Sirius knew that she probably blamed him for Bellatrix's life sentence in Azkaban but her lack of venom made him wonder if she had realized the big favor having her sister locked away forever was.

"And you look divine," he purred back before gifting her with a sneer of his own. "Don't wake the bitch up on your way out."

Her crystal blue eyes glanced over at the covered portrait and nodded. Even she didn't want to mess with that. As she gracefully made her way to the front door, Narcissa paused for just a moment and looked back over at her younger cousin. 

"I hope it works for you. Whatever you need that for." Her eyes flickered to the scarred bite mark on his neck before she turned on her heel and marched out the door without another word. 


	3. Chapter 3

Sirius sat quietly on the sofa chair in his lounge, feet warming by the fireplace as he sipped quietly on his Firewhiskey. The wards had been updated to keep everyone except him out for the next 36 hours and he needed to be making his move soon if he was going to go through with this at all. Regulus stood quietly in a corner of the room.

"I'm sorry for being such a shit brother, Regulus," he sighed before wiping at his lips with his sleeve. "I'm sorry that even in death you don't feel safe with me. That you're only doing this because you're more scared of being stuck here with me than you are of fading away into nothingness." He swallowed down the rest of the burning drink and dropped it to the carpet.

"I didn't want you doing anything to him," the quiet voice responded. "I know you don't like him."

"He could never deserve you," Sirius shot back heatedly.

"That was never for you to decide."

The crackle of the fire filled the silence as Sirius stared at his boots. There was nothing really left to say between them.

"Alright, let's get this ball rolling."

Breaking open the glass vial Sirius could have laughed at the irony of depending on Severus Snape's potion making skills to get through the most dangerous day of his life. On depending on this glittering liquid to keep his sleep-deprived mind sharp and his shaky hands steady. To accomplish the impossible.

"I trust you, Sirius," Regulus whispered, his cold figure pressing against Sirius' back. "We'll step through that Veil together and face whatever comes. I won't regret it."

Sirius tilted his head back and guzzled down the Felix Felicis, making sure to shake every last drop out and onto his tongue. The flush of energy came instantaneously and he tossed the vial to the side and marched over to Regulus' bedroom where the materials had been prepared ahead of time. For the first time in nearly a year he felt overwhelmingly alive and like his focused energy was going somewhere. It was a perfectly Gryffindor do-or-die mission and the insanity of it all only thrilled him even more.

"This is either going to be great or totally fucked up!" he laughed as he rolled up his sleeves and took the silver knife in hand.

The sharp blade easily cut through his pale skin and the bright red blood spilled out from his arm and down into the cauldron. The incantations were crisp from his lips and soon the wound was sealed up with his wand and he was stirring the blood and ingredients 13 times counterclockwise before he dipped fingers into the inky mixture. The runes were painted along his arms, chest, and face before the transmutation circle and runes were painted along the wooden floor. Sirius was too busy focusing his attention on the necessary steps to be worried about what was going to happen next. If this didn't work, then he wouldn't have to be worried about anything else for the rest of eternity.

"Blood of my brother," he incanted as he waved his wand over the mixture that did include a portion of the rotting remains of Regulus, "and blood of my father." His own blood carried the rest of the magic that was needed for this dark magic. 

He peeked over at the open tome resting on the bed and finished the incantation. The herbal mixture was sprinkled around the circle before he knelt on top of it and rested his hands against the commanding runes. Regulus' wand rested across his thighs as he called upon the magic curled within his own body for the rest of spell. He had dealt with enough Dark Magic to know how to wield it and with ancient blood magic he was strangely comfortable. Maybe it was because so many members of his family had used it and those spells left a lasting mark on their blood through the generations.

The burning sage bundle made his head swim a little as he continued to summon the power of the ancient magic. Images flashed behind his eyelids, something similar to things he had seen in Divination classes several years ago. It had been his guilty pleasure to keep up with the arts of tea leaf reading and even the occasional tarot reading. The visions he had were notoriously unreliable and usually only induced with the aid of mind-altering substances. It had been fun while experimenting behind the Herbology building, but after the horrors of wartime he hadn't really felt like dabbling in the visions, too scared to see the faces of ghosts.

Which was ironic as he was now engaging in this Dark Magic for the sake of a ghost.

There was a surge of energy through his body as he felt the cold tendrils of the binding settling through him. "Can you feel that, Regulus?" he whispered. "Are you still there?"

"I'm still here," came the quiet reply although the voice sounded more clear than it ever had.

"Am I still alive?"

"Hmm, you seem to be."

Sirius laughed and opened his eyes to see the room unchanged and all traces of the runes and transmutation symbols gone. Knowing that he didn't have time to waste, Sirius jumped to his feet and raced down the stairs and out the door. Glancing over his shoulder, he was pleased to see Regulus following along behind him.

"It looks like the spell worked, Regulus."

"Your first possession spell went without a hitch. I'm so proud of you," the floating ghost responded dryly. "Mother would be proud too."

"She would, wouldn't she," Sirius laughed as he ran down the street. "Oh, let me test out Apparition real quick." With a loud pop he appeared down the block and was amused to see Regulus appear right next to him.

"Wow, I really am stuck to you."

"Does it feel any different?" he asked as he readied himself for the long-distance Apparition he would be doing. "Than being stuck to a location, I mean."

"Yes," the ghost replied before offering a small smile. "I almost feel warm, I think. I'd like to assume it's more because of who I'm attached to, rather than possessing a physical body in general."

"I'd like to think that too," Sirius grinned. "Alright, let's get going."

Compressing himself through the threads of time and space, Sirius magicked his way to a familiar location. James and Lily would be taking Harry and the baby to the park for a morning playtime and walk before coming back for tea. He knew that James would sense him passing through their protective wards so he needed to move quickly. Racing up the steps of the manor as he gave the appropriate incantations for entry, Sirius pushed open the door and immediately raced into the bedroom. Shuffling through the closet, he breathed a sigh of relief as he snatched up the Invisibility Cloak. The crack of Apparition caught his attention and he haphazardly jumped out of the bedroom window and raced past the wards before jumping into another Apparition.

Landing lightly on his feet out of the magical transportation, Sirius stepped out into the spongy ground of Hogsmeade and began a brisk walk towards the castle. It was strange to feel Regulus' presence clinging to his body even when he couldn't see him, but it was also a comfort. He knew that he wasn't in this alone regardless of how reckless or ridiculous the plan was. The warmth of the Felix Felicis was still running through his limbs as he decided to make a quick pit stop in the Hog's Head for a drink. It was strange to think of drinking at a time like this, but he couldn't really help it. It was a strange compulsion so he just went with it.

"Sirius?"

"Hey, Aberforth," he greeted as he took a seat at the bar. "Whatcha doing open so early on a Sunday for? It's like, 8am."

"I didn't think that I left the door open," he grumbled as he continued to mop the floor.

"I don't know why, but I think that I'd like a drink."

"Isn't it too early to be getting drunk?" the old man muttered as he rose a bushy eyebrow. "Or are you and the mister fighting again?"

"The mister and I haven't been together for almost a year," he replied airily as he tapped on the counter. "You know, since the bite." A hand gestured to the scar on his neck.

Aberforth left the bucket and mop to take a closer look at the mark and grimaced. "Looks like a werewolf bite. You one of those now?"

"It's a werewolf Mating bite," he clarified as the old man went around to get him a drink. "From Fenrir because he's an arsehole. I thought you'd have heard the rumors about it by now."

The grey-haired man shrugged before plucking out a dark bottle from the back of the shelf. "I'm not much into rumors myself. The last one I was a part of involved lies about myself and my goats."

"That sucks."

"Yes, it does."

"But I'm not fucking Fenrir," Sirius felt he had to add. "He did this without my permission. Again, because he's an arsehole."

"Okay."

The sound of sloshing liquid filled the silence between them before one glass was pushed towards Sirius and another one kept by Aberforth. A ring was heard from the front door again and there was the shuffle of slippered feet and a surprised noise.

"Oh, I didn't know that you had a guest, Aberforth."

"Fuck off, Albus," the younger brother growled in annoyance.

"Oh, hello Headmaster," Sirius greeted cheerfully. "Fancy meeting you here!"

"Indeed," Dumbledore murmured as he took a seat next to the young man. "I had heard that you were holed up in Grimmauld Place." Those sparkling blue eyes looked over Sirius' shoulder curiously for a moment and Sirius wondered if he could see or sense Regulus.

"I was, but you know how I am. Can't stay put for too long. Have to put myself in mortal danger."

"Oh? Are you still looking to bring your life to an early end?"

Aberforth shook his head in disgust at his brother. "Really, Albus?"

"Have a drink with us, Headmaster," Sirius insisted. "Consider it a goodbye of sorts."

Now those blue eyes were colored in calculation and suspicion. Sirius licked the rim of his glass and gave the elderly wizard a mischievous wink before Aberforth refilled his glass and set out a glass for Albus. With the drinks all poured, the three men took several deep gulps. Even as he swallowed down the burning liquid, Sirius slipped his brother's wand out of his dueling holster and with a sudden motion he dropped the glass and casted the spell.

"Petrificus Totalus!"

For a moment both brothers froze and he couldn't be sure that he landed the spell on the appropriate sibling, and then Aberforth was sputtering in shock.

"What the bloody-"

"Expelliarmus!" he shouted, immediately interrupting the old man's horrified exclamation and swept up the long wand supposedly made of elder wood. Dumbledore was still petrified, but probably not for long. "Hey, Aberforth, what do you know about the Deathly Hallows?" he asked conversationally as he examined the wand.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw Aberforth's anxious glance towards Dumbledore's hand with its odd ring.

"I don't know much, Sirius. You know that I don't listen to old fables and tales. The Deathly Hallows is along with the oldest and most fantastical of those tales. You've petrified the only brother that would actually care about that."

Stepping forward, he swiped the ring off and examined the strange stone that was set into the simple band. He hadn't really ever noticed it before but it was an unusual stone that he had never seen before and there was a different kind of magic imbued in it. Perfect, this was probably what he was looking for. He hadn't even known how he was going to find the stone when he started this morning, but now he was sure that Severus really did know how to whip up a good potion. Maybe if this all worked out he'd send the prat a thank you card or something.

Slipping the ring onto his finger, he proceeded to finish off his Firewhiskey and nodded towards the bartender. "Thanks for your help. And Headmaster? It's nothing personal. Thanks for your help too."

With that he strode out of the bar and ran to the edge of town where he Apparated off again.

While he was filled with a lot of energy and great ideas, there was the truth that he still needed to be careful about how much energy he was using with these Apparitions, especially over long distances. He considered himself a rather good wizard and with strong magic but that still didn't mean that he was infinite with the energy. He knew that the next part of this trip would be very dangerous and he would need all the energy he could muster, so he went back to Grimmauld Place and took his father's old travel broom. It was heavier than a Quidditch broom because it wasn't intended for tricks and quick maneuvers, but its weight made it more steady even against the strong gales and required less focus and magic to wield which was great for traveling. He could tell that there had been people trying to get into Grimmauld Place, but he ignored it and flew off in the direction of the North Sea.

Sirius was also mindful of the severe time restraint he was operating under. The Felix Felices wouldn't last long and he was sure that Dumbledore would be after him already. The old man wasn't one of the strongest wizards in the world for no reason, although as he twirled the odd wand in his hand he wondered if it had more to do with the wand than the wizard. Shaking his head, he remembered the old family stories that had helped him realize that the Elder wand had passed from Grindelwald to Dumbledore. His Headmaster had won that duel and had earned the rights to the Elder wand. In the same way, he had earned the right to the Elder wand, even if his acquisition was less noble.

The wand felt warm and companionable in his hand, no hint of it rejecting his ownership was was a relief as he hadn't wanted to kill the old man to be sure of his ownership. He had been depending on the enchanted potion he drank to make sure that things worked out as best as they could. After a few hours he settled down outside of a small village before purchasing a quick lunch and making sure he was well hydrated. He also made sure that he had a couple of bottles of Pepper Up potions secured in his knapsack before taking a stroll towards the cliffs.

From here on out things weren't going to be easy. He enjoyed the cold breeze blowing past and the bright greenery and black dirt. He tried to take in everything around him as if it was the last time he'd ever see it because that was the truth.

"What are you thinking?" Regulus asked softly.

"That it's going to be pretty fucking cold," he responded softly before grinning. "It's a good thing you won't be able to feel it."

"I'll be able to feel the Dementors," he whispered softly in response and Sirius could feel a chill break through the warmth of the potion working through his body. 

This was the point of no return. Not only was he risking death and being relegated to a place in Nothingness, but he was also risking the eternal status of his brother. Dead or not, this whole plot was still risky. Regardless, Sirius could not stop himself from trying this, not when the burning desire for a mate that was not of his own choosing was bearing down on him more each passing day. He looked into the cold breeze and found himself wondering if Fenrir had even cared for him a little bit, if the werewolf had felt the burning desire much as he had and if he was looking for Sirius right now. Did he know what Sirius was planning? Could he feel the desperation through their shared bond?

Remus had always seemed to know how he was feeling or what he was thinking even without the assistance of a magical bond, and he had a sinking suspicion that even now Remus was on the hunt for him. James would have already run to the other Marauder by now and surely Dumbledore had gotten to both of them. Would they know to reach out to Narcissa for information? Not that he had shared any details of his plan with her, but it was a lead. They would know that he had ownership of the Deathly Hallows, but for what purpose? Did they know that yet?

"We probably won't have much to say after this point," Sirius muttered as he rubbed at his leather-clad arms. The ocean water was already choppy and uninviting.

Regulus looked over at him, a peaceful expression on his dead face. "Thank you for doing this, Sirius. I know that it...might not work out the way we hope, but..." He glanced back over at the waves. "I'd rather anything but staying here in misery."

"Anything but being stuck and controlled," Sirius agreed. "Death or _MU_ , either is freedom."

"Yes," the ghost replied softly. "And...Sirius, I'm sorry for not...talking to you about more. While we had the time."

"I understand," Sirius muttered as he started bouncing on his toes a bit. "You're not required to like or trust me just because you're dead."

"Sirius...I love you."

This brought a pause to the living Black. "What?"

"I love you." Those shimmery eyes were staring intently at him. "I love you more than anyone else I've ever loved."

"What about Snape?" Sirius asked softly.

This brought a small smile to the undead lips. "I didn't live long enough for that to happen. I love him, even now. I wish that we had more time, that we could of had decades to love each other and learn. That we could have torn down dark lords and had a hand in rebuilding wizarding society. That maybe we could have built a family."

Sirius rose an incredulous eyebrow. "You, Mr. Perfect Black son? Marrying a wizard and adopting into the family instead of carrying on the line?"

The smile he received was condescending. "You know that I wasn't perfect. At least you should know that by now. I had my own dreams." He looked up at the overcast sky and sighed. "Not that I'm certain I would have been strong enough to live that life I dreamed of, but none of that matters now anyway. They were dreams I had."

"I had dreams too," Sirius stated honestly. "Dreams with you. I...regret not even trying after I ran away. Getting so caught up in my own head and with my own stuff. Ending the Dark Lord and..."

Regulus placed an uncorporeal hand on his brother's shoulder. "None of that really matters anymore, Sirius. I love you. Always have and regardless of what happens in the next few hours I always will. There's a magic in that, you know. In the love. I don't think that even being wiped out from all existence can wipe away all remnants of that magic."

"I think you're right," Sirius murmured. The cold wind was biting, but he felt oddly comforted. "Love is a strange magic of its own, Regulus." His grey eyes were as pale as the clouds floating above. "I love you too, by the way. Didn't think I'd need to say it, but I guess that's another reason why things are always all screwed up for me. Didn't tell Remus much either."

"I know," Reg sighed. "I think that I always knew it, even if sometimes it was easy to forget. But I know."

"Okay, Let's get going, then."

Sirius clutched his bag tightly to his chest, took several deep breaths and stared down the cliff at the dark and menacing waves. With a final shake he took a running start and leapt off the edge of the cliff. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MU is Nothingness. You can find more information at https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mu_(negative) but the concept here is more in line with the definition of "Nonexistence, nonbeing".


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Dementors, Azkaban, murder, and lots of feels. Things start picking up.

There was no pain that Sirius wouldn't take at this point to be rid of the blasted curse and he was 100% sure that this was the only reason he could endure the frigid assault to his nervous system right now. That and the benefit of being an Animagus. Shifting into his Dog was easy and the thick fur was a better protection against the cold sea water than his thin human skin, but it was a bit challenging to keep track of his bag and work his head and paws through the straps enough to keep it on his person while he dog-paddled through the sea.

It was tiring work and Sirius tried not to be annoyed as he saw Regulus float above the choppy waves behind him. With the constant barrage of waves buffeting him about and the effort of trying to keep the bag close, Sirius wasn't sure of where he was going but he left that bit up to luck. It was a strange thing to be able to focus on nothing but the ache of the muscles and the burn of the frigid water before it turned to numbness. Time meant almost nothing except that he was worried the Felix Felicis would run to its end before he even made it to Azkaban. 

Darkness painted the sky in purples and blues before the grit of silt caught under his paws. With relief, the bedraggled Animagus crawled onto the forsaken black beach and collapsed shakily. Coldness seeped through the magic of the luck potion and Sirius knew that he didn't have time to be wasting with recovering from the swim. Paws shifted into hands and he shakily unstoppered the Pepper-Up potion before downing it in a single breath. There was already frost forming on his fingertips and his breath came out in white puffs. Besides the thunderous crash of the waves and his uneven breathing there was no noise for a few minutes.

"Are you going to be okay?" Regulus asked quietly. He was shifting in agitation as if he could feel the unholy energy of Dark Magic and Sirius supposed that it would make sense if he could.

"Yeah, I'm good to go. Sorry for taking so long with all this."

He heard a dry chuckle in response. "Sirius, you just swam the North Sea. I'd be even more surprised if you didn't need a break."

"Dementors are coming," he panted before swallowing down another Pepper-Up. It wasn't a good idea to take two back-to-back but desperate times called for equally desperate measures. He shrunk the rest of the bag down and stuffed it into his pocket.

"I know," Regulus whispered. There was water spilling past his lips rapidly now and his fading body was trembling.

"Come hide inside of me," Sirius whispered as he shook his head like a dog.

In a couple of seconds he was Dog again, and the fear of the Dementors dimmed. Regulus disappeared and Sirius felt the ice cold block settling in his heart. It was poetic and if he could smile properly he would have. Thankfully, as a dog he wasn't as worried about the Dementors stealing all that was good from him and the still-wet creature took off down the beach at a good trot, his fur easily blending into the shadows and darkness. A Dementor swooped overhead, its tattered cloak brushing along the fur on his back, and he thanked his lucky stars that the thing practically ignored him. It was obviously aware that he was there, but moved on as if it wasn't interested and was instead searching for the human presence it had sensed earlier.

Large paws padded across the giant stones and he was able to shake off most of the water that had been seeping away at his heat. There hadn't been much information available about the structure of the prison or the island and he spent some time getting a feel for the topography. A familiar scent caught his nose and he found himself drawn towards the interior of the prison. There weren't many human guards wandering around the prison and he could smell the copious amounts of Pepper Up and chocolate over them even as their corporeal Patronus' pranced around their striding figures. It wasn't too hard to evade the wizards and witches as they weren't really expecting to find anything. They were just checking in on the prisoners to make sure that all were accounted for and none in the midst of trying to break out.

Glittering eyes followed his slinking figure, but the prisoners either watched him in silence or cackled madly. Azkaban was a horrifying place to be wandering around in and it felt as if maybe the Felix Felicis was starting to wear off more quickly. The chill was already seeping through his fur and he couldn't imagine being stuck in this hell hole for life. There were so many Dementors around and their oppressive weight was enough to make the Dog yawn nervously and his tail tuck between his legs. Still drawn by the strange forces of magic, Sirius rounded a corner and his ears perked up. There were a couple of Aurors having a discussion in front of an open cell.

"The Minister is going to have our badges for this," the witch stated nervously. "It's never been allowed before!"

"Shhh," the other fellow hissed. "Don't lose your head Lewis." They both stared into the cell for a minute before he spoke up again. "Look, I'm sure that this has happened before," he assured her even as he scratched at the back of his head. "These damn beasts are always hungry. This is inevitable. We just have to keep our mouths shut about it."

"We'll have to...make sure he passes away before the next inspection," Lewis sighed.

"I'm not using my wand," the wizard growled.

She glared down at him. "Let's go check what poisons we have, Blake."

He stared at the open cell door and shrugged. "The poor bastard isn't going anywhere. Let's go together. I need some whiskey to get through this shift."

The two Aurors strode down the hall, never looking back and seeing the Grim-like canine crouched in the corner. When their bickering was far off enough, Sirius crawled forward a few inches before springing forward and making it into the cell in two bounds. Claws scrabbled on the moist stone for a second before he caught his balance. Staring at the sole inhabitant of the tiny hand-hewn cell, Sirius couldn't hold in the sad whimpers. The Dog nudged at the cold hand with his wet nose and grief flooded the canine brain. How many times had that hand run through his fur or grabbed him by the scruff?

Peter Pettigrew sat against the wall with a glazed and empty expression, his mouth slightly agape. The wizard's brain reminded the Dog of the Dementor's Kiss, something so horrible that the government hadn't officially sanctioned its use in well over 100 years. It was a fate worse than death, to be left hollow and decaying while your soul fed the dark bowels of the ungodly creatures floating by. Sirius' own body hadn't even fully recovered from his close-call and seeing the end result before his very own eyes made him far remorseful of what he would have left Remus with if he hadn't been lucky.

A soft warm tongue licked at that cold grimy hand. Sirius couldn't remember the last time he had seen Peter so thin and drawn. He wanted to remain angry with this cowardly wizard in front of him, but that anger felt as empty as this shell looked. Peter had never been strong, had never really done well under pressure. How he thought that he could play both sides successfully was a mystery to the Animagus. The Peter he could remember was clumsy, perpetually forgetful, and worshipful of everything James did. That he could have decided to betray the only people who honestly loved and cared for him was a haunting concern buried just under the depths of agony from the Mating Mark.

Fingers stroked behind his ears in the way he liked and the Dog thumped its leg a little before pushing into the hand more insistently. Gold eyes rolled up to see the still blank face, but that hand continued to pet at his head. Teeth that could shred flesh easily tenderly grasped the tattered sleeve and tugged softly. The body stood and with a hand on the large dog's scruff he followed along. Still feeling the pull of the fading potion Sirius trotted down the halls ignoring the inhuman wails and mad laughter.

*****

There were twisting halls and winding staircases that had the Animagus all twisted and confused before they were even halfway to their destination. The prickle of magic made him wonder if there were protections up to keep humans away, and his honed Curse Breaking skills agreed with that observation. Shifting back into his human form, Sirius pulled out his wand and grasped Peter's hand before continuing forward. Unfortunately he was still damp and the frigid air was crystallizing his breath and creating a fine layer of frost on his clothes.

"F-fuck," he whispered into the dead silent air. There wasn't even an echo.

"We're getting close," Regulus stated with a trembling voice. The cold must have been bad enough that the ghost could feel it.

"That's Dark Magic, isn't it?"

"Yes."

Taking Peter's hand in his own, the young wizard continued down the latest case of steps. It was a precarious climb down with plenty of shattered stone that seemed steeped in an evil energy that wasn't often found in the world of the living today. **The war had exposed the disowned Black to a kind of magic similar to this in those last days but that magic had all the finery of ancient magic, like a wine left to ferment for hundreds of years. To one whose blood had been bred with Dark Magic for centuries it had been a delight to the magical palate and enticing. This was the magic of his people, whoever they were. It was dangerous and yet he found that the maddening effects from the Mate Mark seemed to lessen in the presence of this.**

Darkness completely enveloped them as they made their way down the dust-coated steps. It was obvious that no one had been this way in a very long while. When they reached the bottom, Sirius could see why - the place reeked heavily of death and Dark Magic. The Lumos barely lighting the space revealed dark stains all along stone floor and he knew immediately that those were bloodstains. As they moved away from the stairway, old rusty cages came into view, lining both sides and leading to a strange structure up on a musty dias. It was a tall, narrow stone archway standing completely unsupported and with a strange black curtain hanging down. The room was deathly still and yet the curtain fluttered enticingly. Sirius could hear whispers coming from the strange structure and frowned.

"What the fuck is that?" he wondered aloud. "Do you hear those voices, Reg?"

For the first time since he had met the ghostly Regulus, Sirius could see fear on the face of his brother.

"I...I don't know what that is, Sirius," his younger brother whispered before curling in on himself a bit. "There are dead beyond that veil, but...I can't really see them or understand what they're saying."

Wrinkling his brow in thought, Sirius took a moment before speaking again. "You called it a veil. Do you think it's... _the_ Veil? Like, when we say that a wizard 'goes beyond the Veil?'"

"I...maybe? If there is any such thing as 'the Veil' then I suppose that could very much be it. There are definitely dead beyond it."

"Okay," Sirius sighed in relief. "Then just walk through there! Right? I mean, a ghost is a soul that hasn't cross for whatever reason, so go on. Cross it."

Regulus stared at the archway nervously. "Do you think it works like that? Just walk through?"

He turned and both brothers stared at each other for a minute. "Pretty anticlimactic," Sirius responded flatly. "Okay, go on. Give it a shot."

The ghost took a step forward and paused. "If it works...this will be the last time I see you, Sirius."

"Until I die," Sirius agreed. "Which honestly might not be too long away. You're probably going to be annoyed to see me so soon."

This brought an annoyed snort from the shorter brother. "Yeah, you're probably right. It really is a miracle that you haven't died yet. Honestly, I think that we all assumed you'd go first and not just because you're older."

"You thought, bitch," Sirius teased, before realizing that he was truly smiling for the first time in months. "Hey, I am going to miss you. Even if I plan on seeing you again. I appreciate all of the help you've given me."

"You're welcome," Regulus replied with a nervous smile of his own. His misty eyes turned back to the Veil and he stared at it.

Sirius wondered why a ghost would still be scared of dying, but he supposed that he shouldn't be judgmental. He'd never been a ghost before and he sure as hell hadn't been drowned by Inferi. It was probably the lingering effects of the Felix potion, but Sirius chose to keep his mouth shut as Regulus moved forward towards the Veil, the shimmering legs moving in an imitation of walking. Regulus had never floated around like a normal ghost. He walked up to the dais before pausing and then walking all around it. There was a thoughtful frown on his face as he considered the arch from all angles before pausing in front of it again and shaking his head.

"What's the matter?"

"It's...I can't reach it," Regulus replied softly.

"What do you mean? It's right there."

Looking over to make sure that Peter wasn't wandering off, Sirius turned his attention back on his brother and strode up the steps to the archway and Veil. He couldn't see anything that would obstruct a ghost and he even moved past his brother to explore the platform. The whispering seemed to get louder and more frantic, but he couldn't understand any of the words. The sensation of a breeze seemed to tingle along his cold skin, teasing and inviting him towards the innocuous curtain.

"I can't move towards there," Regulus stated quietly. "It's as if there isn't even space there. I'm not sure how you're able to stand there."

"There's nothing special about this stone," Sirius observed before kneeling down and inspecting the area to be sure. "It's just the same old stuff as the rest of this place."

A thought occurred to him and Sirius stood up before working the stone off of the ring he was wearing. Resizing it so that it would fit his finger rather than Dumbledore's had been easy and he was glad to see that he hadn't lost the Resurrection Stone during any of the past events. At least, he was hoping that it was the Resurrection Stone. Turning it over three times he waiting and was mildly surprised to see nothing out of the ordinary happen.

"What, were you expecting bright lights and a show?"

Jerking in surprise, Sirius whirled around and gaped at the three figures standing there. His knees nearly buckled and he reached out instinctively to touch.

"M-mum? Dad? Uncle Alphard?"

Euphemia's smile was as warm in death as it had been while she was alive and Fleamont wore a look of pride that had been often reserved for James. Uncle Alphard looked strangely more vibrant and filled out, as if in death he was able to truly relax and be at peace. It sent a sharp pain of something through his chest.

"We love you, Sirius," Fleamont stated earnestly if a bit urgently. "Regardless of what happens here Effie and I need you to know that we love you and always have."

Tears pricked at his tired eyes and Sirius felt another wave of nearly overwhelming emotion. He had never allowed himself to sit with the grief that came after their unexpected deaths; that was a thing for their _real_ son James and he always insisted that he had no right to that.

"You are every bit a son to us as James is," Euphemia insisted. "We tried to make sure that you know that while we were still alive, but I know that you never really accepted it."

"I hope you'll accept it from us now that we're dead," Fleamont chuckled. "There are no lies here in death."

Sirius collapsed to his knees and pressed a shaky fist to his mouth. This wasn't what he had come here for, but it was something that he had desperately needed to hear. Warmth covered over him as he shook and it took a few minutes to realize that it was the spirits. They weren't cold like Regulus was, but full of warmth and love.

"W-what do I need to do?" he croaked out. He wanted to tell all three of them how much they meant to him and how he regretted so many things unsaid while they were still here with him, but his time was running out and he suspected that maybe they knew it anyway. "Reggie can't come up here."

Alphard nodded. "He needs a bridge, Sirius. He's anchored into the living world; your spell from earlier managed to move his anchor from Grimmauld Place to you, but he's still anchored."

"How can I make a bridge for him?" Sirius asked desperately. An irrational fear was starting to well inside of him. "What am I supposed to _do_?! How can I get this out of me?" His fingernails dug into the scar at his neck and he saw the three spirits look among themselves sadly."

"We can't tell you everything, son," Fleamont responded softly. "But we can and will be here for you."

"The ones who love us never really leave us, Sirius," Euphemia added softly, her words a balm over old festering wounds. Her hand reached out and rested over his heart. "You can always find them in here."

Closing his eyes shut to keep the tears at bay, Sirius took several grounding breaths before opening his eyes again. Only Alphard was still standing there.

"You're asking for some very Dark Magic," he stated firmly. "Are you aware of the consequences?"

"I can't live with this, Uncle," he replied wearily. "If this doesn't work then I'm a dead man anyway. I won't live without Remus."

There's not much that I can help you with," the other Black sighed, "but I'll give you all that I can. Black blood is a powerful and rare thing. We hold magic within us that goes back well beyond the modern recorded European wizarding history. We have dark lords and ladies that imbued spells into their bloodline. There isn't any lineage quite like ours around anymore."

"So...this has something to do with a blood spell?"

"Not exactly." Alphard glanced towards the Veil as he tried to find the right way to share his information. "Okay, for Regulus you know that you need a bridge. Think Norse and think of a price that needs to be paid." He looked sternly at his living nephew. "Intent means far more than anything else when it comes to magic, Sirius. You may not know all the right words and that doesn't really matter. There are thousands of languages and magic in all of them, even the ones not uttered. Know your intent. _Know your intent_."

"Know your intent," Sirius repeated.

"And finally, be careful. What you will see is not things meant for the mortal mind. You won't understand it all and you'll probably see things that aren't even in the realm of reality but that doesn't make them less dangerous or unimportant. Know your intent and know who you are."

Sirius nodded, feeling the chill in the air settle into his bones. He was going to be on his own for this.

"Thank you, Uncle Alphard. For everything."

The handsome man nodded and reached out to stroke his nephew's cheek. "I look forward to seeing you again, but hopefully not too soon." He leaned forward and whispered his last words into Sirius' ear. "Gringott's bank has another account under the Blacks and if you live beyond all this it might be of use to you. And be _careful_ because there are those who would take advantage. Death does not like to be cheated."

Sirius turned the stone in his hand thrice and took another deep breath before speaking again.

"Did you hear that, Regulus?"

The ghost shook his head. "I saw glimmers of beings and heard the whispers but nothing clear."

"Okay. This is going to really suck for me."

Pressing himself up off the ground, Sirius ran through the catalog of spells, mythology, history, dark arts, and fables that resided in his mind. His eyes sadly wandered over to Peter again. The body was just standing there, its blank gaze fixed on the Veil. Did the souls stolen by Dementors ever get to cross into the other realm? Were they stuck in _MU_ , a state of nothingness?

As much as he hated Peter, Sirius ached for the man who had been his friend. What he had done was despicable, but it didn't deserve the indignity of a Dementor's Kiss plus the cover up of poison. Seeing Peter's dejected state all he could see was the poor little kid who was desperate to be liked and acknowledged. The kid that he had teased and bullied and yet still loved. Did he ever tell Peter that he loved him? Because he did love him. He would have died if he knew it would keep Peter safe. But now, Peter was no longer here. He was already gone and awaiting an excruciating end alone in a tiny cell.

It wasn't right, he was sure, but Sirius couldn't help feeling that Peter deserved better. If death was to come, wouldn't it be better at the hand of a friend? Of someone who cared about you and was trying to help? Who would look you in the eye as you passed? Murder was murder, but Sirius had never been too worried about getting his hands dirty. He had killed men and women during the war out of necessity, but he knew that a part of him enjoyed it and relished in the bloodshed. It was something that he could easily do again and under less distressing circumstances, but...Sirius always kept a tight grip on that part of himself. He was not mindless and he was not a slave to anyone or anything, including himself.

Striding over to the body, Sirius wrapped it in a hug. Words wouldn't mean anything so he kept silent. He thought back on his fondest memories with this boy and struggled not to sob. Where had he gone wrong? Why hadn't he treated Peter better? Supported and helped him instead of teasing and berating? His arms gripped the body tightly, hating how it was so much thinner than he was used to. The softness seemed to have bled out from the years of agony in this place. With the tenderness of a brother he placed a kiss on the pulse point of the neck, one on the lips, and a final one on the forehead.

"What are you going to do?" Regulus asked quietly.

"I'm going to make you a bridge, Regulus," he responded tiredly. "Keep behind me."

Two sets of footsteps made their way up the stairs to the Veil and Sirius wasn't sure if he was trembling from the cold or from the knowledge of what he was going to do. He made sure that the Resurrection Stone was firmly in place on the ring and that the Cloak of Invisibility was safely tucked into his pocket. The Elder Wand was tight in his grip as he pushed Peter ahead of him before they all came to a stop at the top of the platform. He turned Peter to face him, always one to face his actions head-on.

"I love you, Peter," he muttered out loud, more for his benefit than anything else. _Know your intent._

The spell came easily and the Elder wand sliced cleanly across the pale neck. Crimson immediately spilled out and Sirius moved quickly and gently to lay the body down, head towards the arch and feet towards the steps. He heard Regulus' gasp from behind him, but ignored it. _Know your intent_. His scarred hand with the missing finger came up and stroked the face of his friend, watching as the body struggled with its breathing and rapid blood loss. Sirius hadn't known what to expect while watching his once-friend die, but it was like getting kicked in the gut with steel-toed boots. Even without the soul that made Peter who he was, the body struggled to hold on to its life. He wept as he held it down, each spasm weaker and weaker as the blood rolled down his neck in gushing waves.

Feeling that it was his duty and punishment, Sirius forced himself to stare into those eyes as what was left of life spilled away. The soul gave the body meaning and purpose but the magic kept it alive. There was plenty of conjecture about the role that the soul played in regard to magic and life, but as Sirius watched he vaguely made his own guess. With no soul there was no way for the body to continue replenishing the magic that was stored in the blood. As blood refreshed in the body, so did the magic. That's why the blood drained towards Veil in a crimson bridge, perfectly straight, the hungry maw of the other side seeking to taste the living magic. It took longer than he had hoped, but soon enough the body was still and all that remained of Peter was gone.

Numb fingers pressed the eyelids down in respect and then he guided the elder wand to prick at the thumb of his left hand. There were many stories of the fee charged by the ferryman of Death and he was certain that the rarity of what he was going to offer would be more than enough fare. Three drops of blood fell into the liquid bridge and Sirius could feel the tremor of magic, it's tendrils drawing him in. He didn't have any Felix Felicitis to depend on anymore, just his instincts and sheer determination.

"I'll see you on the other side, Regulus," he muttered mirthlessly.

"Toujours Pur," the boy responded cryptically. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings: blood, violence, talk of death and dying

"Congratulations, young Master," a shrouded figure greeted with a deep bow. "I would like to offer you a gift of your choosing as a reward for your efforts. What will it be?"

Sirius looked around as darkness curled past him like drops of ink in a glass of opaque water. "I need to make sure he...my brother gets across first," he muttered. It felt as if his head was stuffed full of cotton making it difficult to think and concentrate.

"Is that your wish, good sir? That your brother crosses into the realm beyond the Veil?"

His mouth opened to respond but he paused. Wishes? Congratulations? For what? Eyebrows scrunched tight and he stared at the figure humbled before him. The silence was apparently unexpected because Sirius saw the entity glance up curiously. Glittering gold eyes peeked out from under the ebony hood and a grinning mouth that seemed much too large for their face appeared. Those teeth looked sharp enough to easily rip through his flesh and maybe strong enough to crack open his bones to devour its marrow.

"What's your name?" he asked, avoiding the question.

"There are many names that your kind call me. Which one would you like?"

"What's your real one?"

That sharp smile stretched wider. "You wouldn't be able to comprehend it if you tried."

That made sense, he supposed. Or maybe in this world your name held power and it wasn't wise to go by it? He wasn't sure.

"Okay, then. I suppose you're Death."

"That name is as good a name as any."

Still feeling very out of sorts, Sirius nodded as he looked around again. "I need to make sure that my brother crosses, that he makes it to the best place possible. I don't know how death works or anything."

"Is that your wish?" they asked again.

Sirius leveled a glare at the being. "I've already built the bridge and paid the toll. I carry the Deathly Hallows. I don't think that I need anything else to ensure his safe arrival. Am I wrong? That's not a wish, it's a question."

The golden eyes narrowed, but Sirius wasn't sure if it was in annoyance or amusement. "You merely need to walk through the valley to make it to Limbo. From Limbo, your brother can choose to move on or not."

White and blacks shifted around them until they were standing in the parlor of Grimmauld Place. Sirius startled upon seeing the familiar room, but his eyes immediately fell to the small figure seated on the floor. The familiarity sent an ache that cut straight through his heart. Grey eyes much like his own looked up at him and those little hands paused from their game of "hunt the werewolf."

"Hello," the young figure of Regulus greeted softly.

"Hello, love," Sirius responded before kneeling down beside him. "Death says that we need to walk a bit to get to where you need to go. Is that okay?"

A soft smile graced the round face. "As long as I'm with you, I'm okay."

Placing his hand tenderly on that little bird chest Sirius muttered the same words his Mum uttered to him. "The ones who love us never really leave us. You can always find them in here."

Death followed behind the two of them quietly, never offering any explanations or instructions and always keeping that grinning expression on their face. Sirius noticed that as much as this place appeared like Grimmauld, it was definitely different. The titles of the books were all wrong and there was plates of food and goblets of drinks everywhere. It had been a long while since he had eaten or drunk anything and Sirius was sorely tempted to put a little something in his belly, but no sooner had he considered it than a memory swept through his mind.

_"Why a fucking pomegranate?" he huffed indignantly while Remus laughed. "I mean, who even likes those?"_

_"I like them," Remus teased before pulling the book towards him._

_"Just doesn't make sense to me," he continued as he pressed against the warm side of his boyfriend. "Why didn't he offer her something that was actually sweet? Like candy or something? A slice of cake even! They had cake back then, didn't they?"_

_"Yes, I'm certain that they did," Remus agreed. "Maybe I can look up old recipes or something and we can experiment. Cake or pomegranate."_

_"Persephone's so stupid," Sirius grumbled, still not feeling like he was accurately getting his point across._

_"Well, maybe she just_ wanted _to stay with Hades," Remus sighed and the two of them stared back at the illustration in the Muggles book._

Sirius' hand dropped to his side and his eyes moved away from the food and drink. He had a job to do here and he wasn't going to get side-tracked or tricked into anything. There was a man at home that he needed to get back to. Hazel eyes and firm hands. A crooked grin and calloused feet. Scars and smiles. He was going to get back to Remus. Pausing before the front door, Sirius wondered if this was even the right direction or what he would find on the other side. Uncle Alphard's muted words rang in his ears and he was nervous that this was just another trick. Regulus looked up at him for direction and he steeled his resolve.

They had to move forward, but he would be damned if he didn't have a few tricks up his own sleeve. Securing the Elder Wand in his dueling holster, Sirius reached into his pocket and pulled out the Cloak of Invisibility. With a swish he had it wrapped around the himself and his brother. Only then did he open the door and proceed forward. It was hard to comprehend what he was seeing with mortal eyes. 

The street looked similar to the one that he grew up on, but there were flashes of colors and shadows, stretching and weaving around him and Regulus. The colors and motions seemed disjointed and confused and Sirius' gut told him that the cloak was the right choice. Death continued to follow behind, still not offering any commentary, but it seemed that they were off to the side a bit and their gold eyes were glancing around. He supposed that there was some truth in the story of the power of the Cloak.

At first Sirius thought that they were simply wandering aimlessly, his feet easily leading them towards the playground that they used to sneak off to if they could ditch the Governess. It had always been full of Muggles and an absolute delight for the two young wizards. As they walked towards the park, Sirius recognized the bridge that they were coming up to. It looked a little different than his memory provided and he might not have even noticed if it hadn't been for the strange wind blowing across. He and Regulus paused at the head of the bridge and watched curiously as the shadowy figures seemed to blur and smudge as they crossed the bridge before returning to a more normal state upon reaching the other side. There was a sound much like blowing wind and Sirius supposed that this was some sort of trial or test that they had to get through. The wind would blow the cloak away if he wasn't careful and it would expose the both of them for sure.

"We're going to have to go across this without the Cloak, okay?" he muttered before pulling it off and securing it inside his pocket with a few spells. There was no way that he was losing James' family heirloom.

The hair stood on the back of his neck and Sirius knew that they needed to move forward quickly so he tightened his grip on his brother's arm and leapt forward. A strong wind swept across their bodies and Sirius was nearly knocked clean off his feet. Fortunately he was shoved up against the seemingly more solid figure of his brother who was now a teenager. He wasn't quite as thin and drawn as his ghost had been, so Sirius estimated that he was back to being 16 or so.

"Lean against me," Regulus recommended as he looked around warily. "I think that because I'm dead it's a bit easier for me to withstand."

"Makes sense," Sirius replied. It made about as much sense as anything else in this place did.

Arm-in-arm the brothers moved forward. Sirius noticed that Death didn't seem the slightest bit bothered by the wind and he wondered if it was because Death was...well, Death. Could they move through all realms and reality with ease? Was that a part of the job description? The realization that there was someone else standing in the middle of the bridge redirected his mind and the two drew to a stop. The woman was watching them with a somber expression, her blue eyes dark and brooding. Long white hair was as pale as the majority of her flesh, but Sirius noticed that her hands and feet had a frozen blue hue to them with the tips of her fingers and toes blackened.

"What are you coming into my realm for?" she asked with a husky voice that reverberated through his bones. "Oh, you must be a son of Tyr," she spat, her eyes fixed on the missing finger of his hand.

"I may be a son of a bitch, but I'm no son of Tyr," he snapped in response.

She looked startled for a moment before choking out a dry laugh, like she hadn't had done such a thing in centuries.

"Are you a son of _the_ Bitch?" she asked wryly before looking the two of them over more carefully.

"I'd like to think so, yes," Sirius responded with a smirk. "And I think that the Dog in me would agree."

Darkness seemed to color her cheeks but she didn't look upset. "You two bear the marks of my brothers," she sighed forlornly. She tapped at her neck as she stared at Sirius and then gestured to her forearm when she turned her attention to Regulus.

Sirius' hand went up to the Mark on his neck and froze while Regulus grasped at his Dark Mark. The Wolf and the Snake - Fenrir and Jörmungandr! They were standing in front of Hel herself!

"We're just trying to pass through to Limbo," Sirius offered before he glanced behind to look at Death. "My brother wants to pass peacefully."

"It is better to pass than to stay in the realm of the living," she replied sympathetically, her droopy eyes conveying a sadness that Sirius didn't think he could fully understand. "It is well that you move forward."

Regulus started to pull forward but Sirius felt that now was as good a time as any to try to get some advice. Death was going to be useless for that, so maybe Hel would be more accommodating.

"Lady Hel, I've come not only to help my brother pass, but...do you know how I can remove the curse that is in me? Fenrir is your brother, but that is also the name of the one that put this curse on me."

Hel stared at him for a long moment but he didn't feel nervous.

"You belong in the stars, don't you?" she asked quietly. Before he had a chance to respond she continued. "It is fitting that you bear the Mark of a Wolf for you love the moon as dearly as your Mother. Find her when you are finished in Limbo and she will help you."

"Thank you," he breathed in relief. It was still a strange answer, but at least she was trying to be helpful. Now he knew that he needed to find another entity that could help him.

"I'm sorry," she replied.

His lips twisted in confusion. "Why is that?"

The smile she offered back was grim. "We children of Loki are doomed to ache and to be fettered against our will. You will find your answer, but it will come at a heavy price."

Regulus squeezed his hand tightly and Sirius nodded. "Thank you again, Lady Hel. And good luck."

Whatever for, he had no idea.

The wind continued to blow as they made their way across the bridge and it died as soon as they made it over. Oddly enough, it wasn't the continuing path to the park that the brothers found themselves at, but a very clean and empty version of King's Cross Station at the platform 9 3/4. The two sat quietly at one of the benches, waiting for the train to arrive. There was the sound of whispers again, but Sirius didn't try to figure out what they were saying. Regulus was clutching his hand tightly again and Sirius felt the distress emanating from the younger boy.

"Do you remember when you first went off to Hogwarts?" came the too soft and yet strained question.

"Yeah, I do."

Fingers gripped his own more tightly. "I...It was the first time I hated you, I think." Silver eyes looked up to stare at the spotless bricks, not a cast of smoke stain to be seen. "You were going to be leaving me, Sirius. Going off first and having your fun while I had to stay behind. I hated you for that as much as any 10 year old could."

Would the tears never stop, Sirius wondered. He felt the sob threatening to bubble up in his chest again and he felt a weariness that seemed to sink straight into his marrow.

"I wish that...that..." Sirius didn't have the words to express what was buried in his heart.

Regulus was crying as well.

"No time would be enough time, I suppose." There was silence between them for another long moment. "And...now it's I who am going off before you do, Sirius. I'm the one to journey through the afterlife while you have to stay behind. But I..." All his resolve seemed to crumple as his face morphed into a mask of grief and suffering. "I don't want you to hate me!" he cried miserably. "I never wanted you to hate me at all, Sirius, but I don't want to go knowing that you'll hate me even more!"

"You insufferable fool!" Sirius sobbed before grasping his brother and pulling him against his own shuddering body. His own fingers dug into that semblance of flesh and hair and the ghost of a scent was caught before the inevitable congestion of a hard cry took it away. They clutched at each other as if it were the last time because finally, it would be for a very long while. "I will _never_ hate you for this, Reggie. Never."

"I love you," Regulus whispered, his wet face pressed against his brother's cheek. "I love you so much."

A train blew by in a rush of wind and the loud roar of wheels and whistles. It didn't stop, and when it was past Sirius sat alone on the bench, folded over and sobbing against his knees.

**

The flutter of robes settled next to him but Sirius didn't bother looking over at Death. They had been decent enough to let him cry his heart out before approaching him again at least. He knew that Death was waiting for him to make his wish and his weary brain was trying to decide the best way to go about this. The fable of the Deathly Hallows was a warning that Death would try to trick you so that they could claim your soul as quickly as possible. Probably not an unreasonable goal as he was sure that Death had a long list of souls to collect and spending too much time on any one individual would be a huge inconvenience.

Leaning against the cloaked shoulder, Sirius couldn't help but sigh. He was so very tired and had been for so long. It was hard to think at all much less try to outwit a being that could understand far more than his finite mind ever would. Sirius knew that he was snarky and irreverent, but he had never been particularly clever in the Slytherin way. He preferred to be upfront and if a fight was needed he'd take it head-on and overcome.

"I just want to go home," he whispered against the shoulder. "I want to go home and be with Moony again, to be able to love him and be free. I want to sleep in peace again, to wake up warm in his arms and make passionate love over and over again. I want to tell him how much I love him. That's all I really want."

"Are you really free at all when you love?"

The question from Death surprised him and he tried to ponder it as best as he could.

"When you love...you're giving. It's not being taken from you. It's a choice that you get to make over and over again. But it's still a choice."

"A choice," Death repeated curiously before peering down at him with those glittering eyes. "What would you choose to give, I wonder. I suppose that we'll get to see soon enough. A dark hand squeezed his thigh almost comfortingly. "What do you wish for, young Master of Death?"

All the men in the Deathly Hallows asked for an item, and he supposed that made a lot of sense, but Sirius only knew that he had to keep moving forward somehow. If he just outright wished for Death to remove the curse, it was possible that their solution would be to just kill him and that's not what he was going for. 

"I wish...could my wish be that you take me to the one Hel called my mother? It's pretty obvious that she wasn't talking about Walburga or my Mum and I don't even know where to begin hunting this mother down."

Those lips curled up and Sirius wondered if he had already managed to botch everything up. "Of course. Good luck."

Not exactly the words that one wanted to hear when being otherworldly shipped off to meet another entity that you didn't know for an attempt to break a curse that you didn't know could be broken but there was no time to take it back and Sirius just steeled himself for come what may. This was how he always lived his life - off the cuff and with his wand at the ready. Being in the presence of gods or spirits or whatever the hell these things were wasn't going to change that.

In a nauseating tumble Sirius found himself upended and dumped out onto spongy wet ground. It was a similar feeling to Apparating, but he found it much harder to get his bearings. Glancing up at what appeared to be the sky, Sirius caught sight of the bright fat globe of the moon and his heart was racing. Was it the full moon already? Where was Remus? Why was he fooling around here instead of being there for his lover?

Howls that weren't so distant caught his attention and he felt the skin of his neck prickle. There was danger here and he needed to move. Jumping to his feet, Sirius began to run in the direction that seemed opposite of the howls, desperately trying to find anything that could help him make heads or tails of where he was. Snapping the Elder Wand onto his hand he attempted to Apparate but found it impossible. There must be heavy wards in the area. Did that mean that he was in a werewolf colony or something like that? A containment area of some kind? Why would his "mother" be with werewolves?

What the fuck did any of this mean?

A barking call came from in front of him and Sirius skidded to a halt. The yipping were getting more excited and agitated, a sure sign that he was being hunted and that they were drawing closer. A few more practice waves with his wand assured him that nothing was working in this area right now and he had to swallow down fear again. Even if it was werewolves he still had a slight chance.

Once more making sure that all the Deathly Hallows were firmly secured to his person, Sirius began to focus all of his energies and magic on putting on the Dog. There was definitely something interfering with his magic in this place, but Sirius was not a stranger to struggling. The whole process of becoming an Animagus had been trying and especially difficult for children their age, but all of them had been stubborn in their desire to help Remus through his transformations. Stubbornness was a Sirius Black specialty and he found himself grinning as he forced at the magic of shifting.

Damn it all! If he was going to be eaten by a pack of canines than he was at least going to have a set of teeth that he could bite back with. Maybe leave a few permanent reminders of his presence. Regardless of whatever energy was at work to try to keep him useless, Sirius felt his Dog respond and he was soon wrapped in its comforting bones and fur. His snout was already open in a snarl as he caught the scents of the advancing dogs - hunting dogs it was - and his hackles raised in a warning. He was not going to go down without a fight.

The dogs burst through the overgrowth in a blur of fur and foaming mouths. There were seven of them in total from what he could see; not good odds at all, but he was thankful that they hadn't been advancing on him yet. Suddenly, a figure stepped out from behind the brush and Sirius stared in shock at the huntress with her bow drawn back and aimed directly at him. The dogs whimpered and whined excitedly, proud to have found something for their master to hunt. The Dog growled and snapped his jaws in warning, trying to decide if it would be better to strike at the dogs or their owner first.

It was quickly decided when she launched an arrow. Honed instincts and reaction time helped him to leap out of the way of the first shot and he lunged over the heads of the surprised dogs straight towards the woman. Silver eyes widened in surprise before the huntress recovered fast enough to bat him aside with her bow. Sirius yelped at the crack of ribs but as soon as he landed he was charging back at her. He would not die without a fight. Teeth sunk into his hind legs before he was able to kick them off and his teeth snapped down just short of their target. The woman didn't look frightened, which didn't seem like a very normal reaction, and she elegantly pulled back another arrow.

This time the weapon hit its mark and Sirius howled in pain. The hunting dogs backed up again, circling him warily. The Huntress watched as he staggered, attempting to keep on his paws even as the blood poured out from his side. He wanted to charge her again, but any motion dug the edge of the arrow deeper against his internal organs. Drool rolled off his maw and there was blood staining the white foam. Panic clawed at his throat at the thought of dying here and he sent a few vile curses towards Death. They were an absolute bastard and he was going to have some strong words for them when he was claimed for beyond the Veil.

A soft grunting noise came from the side and Sirius trembled at the familiarity of it. Fearlessly, a large stag stepped through the vegetation and stared with unblinking eyes at the scene before it fearlessly strode forward and stood between him and the Huntress. The Dog made a loud snuffling sound reminiscent of laughter and lolled his tongue out wearily. The stag didn't have James' markings but it still felt like a message from his brother. Even if he took this journey on his own and without the support of his best friend and brother in all but blood, James would always have his back.

"You are not what you appear to be," the Huntress spoke up, drawing his pained attention back to her.

Shifting back into his human form, Sirius groaned through gritted teeth and collapsed to his knees. "I guess that's why they call you a bitch, eh? Going around shooting people with fucking arrows."

Now she looked amused and all the hunting dogs were laying at her feet in sweet confusion. Their red tongues were lolled out and they panted hot puffs of breath in the muggy air. The stag awkwardly knelt beside Sirius and he leaned against it's firm side, his nose enjoying the wild scent of its hide.

"Why are you here?" she asked, her velvety voice seeming as natural as anything else in this forest. His eyes moved up to stare at the sky, the shimmering moon being the only familiar thing.

"Hel told me to find you and Death delivered me." It was a ludicrous statement and he felt near hysterical laughter as he pressed a hand against the still-protruding arrow in his side. "She said you would help me," he added before staring at the wound and the bloody soaking through his shirt.

"Very well, young one. Come."


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Blood, Gore, and Loss

Reality was bending and twisting and Sirius felt as if he had become detached from his body for a dizzying moment. A drop of sunlight was pressing a kiss to the moon's cheek before he rode off in his chariot and there was the singing of trees, flowers, leaves, grass, and dirt. The stream whispered a lullaby and soothed at his fevered skin. Gold eyes much like the Grim stared up from the darkness while the red tongue laved at his wound. Another arrow touched the damage and Sirius could feel the sinews knit back together.

It was some time before Sirius felt like he was able to make proper sense of anything. Warm fur surrounded him on all sides and the soft deer nose was buried against his side. He could see the Huntress walking towards the pile of sleeping animals and she smiled as she crouched beside them all.

"Do you know what I need help with?" he croaked out.

She held out a goblet of water and he shook his head. He still didn't want to risk getting stuck here.

"I've brought my mother to discuss it as she's the one who created the bond that you are seeking to break."

She gestured with her goblet to the She-Wolf stalking towards them. He gasped in wonder as he noted that she was even bigger than Remus was as a werewolf. Her fur was a mix of greys and browns and he shamelessly reached out to stroke her when she drew close. He breathed in deeply of her earthy scent and rubbed his face against the comfort of her soft fur. It was something he had always wished he could do with Moony outside of his Dog form. Her red tongue lapped at his side exposed by his bunched up shirt and he realized that his wound was gone leaving nothing more than a star shaped scar. Grinning, he nuzzled against her wet muzzle, and enjoyed the tongue bath she offered his face and torso. He supposed that maybe James was right and he was developing more and more canine traits the longer he was an Animagus as he playfully nipped at the She-Wolf's ear.

Hands cradled his face as the now red lips peppered his face with kisses making him laugh again. When was the last time he had laughed like this? He felt like a child being playfully teased and supposed that in the presence of beings that had been around for eons he probably seemed very much like a baby to them. When the She-Wolf leaned back to give him a chance to catch his breath he admired her new figure and the cascading waves of beautiful earth-brown hair.

"There aren't many mortals who make it to us, Dog Star. What drives you to keep pushing when you've already delivered your brother from the living realm? Surely you know that there is a price for being away from your realm for so long?"

Sirius shook his head. "It's not like there's a list of rules posted at the door."

The Huntress threw her head back and laughed while the She-Wolf just rolled her eyes. "You're no fool, Dog Star. Foolish, yes, but not a fool."

"Just tell me what I need to do and I'll leave as soon as possible. The Mating Mark was forced on me against my will by someone other than my lover and I can't keep living this way. I won't be controlled by a curse."

Her warm fingers brushed against the savage scar on his neck and she frowned. "You mortals just can't help but twist all things beautiful," she replied with a heavy sigh.

"Not all of us," Sirius defended with a huff.

He thought of Remus and how that man was given such ugly and hurtful things and still only brought goodness and kindness into the world. He thought of James who received much good in his life and turned around to share that love and goodness with everyone that he could.

"You speak truth," she replied with a fond pat to his head. "It's unfortunate that there are still too many that choose to spoil the good."

"So, what do I do about it?" he pressed. "I've gotten the message that it's going to cost me something, but what? Equivalent exchange is a concept that I'm familiar with, but how can you equate breaking free from a curse like this?"

The Huntress and the She-Wolf shared a look before they turned back to him.

"The Mark is bonded into your very magic much like the Wolf is bonded to the blood. Blood and magic are intertwined in many ways and to even your concept of the soul."

"Could I just get a complete blood transfusion?" he asked thinking of Lily explaining the Muggle procedure. They had used it during wartime a few desperate times. "But no, that doesn't even work for werewolves so why would it work with this?"

The She-Wolf stroked fingers through his hair. "It's bound to your magic, Dog Star. If you want to remove the bond then you must remove the magic."

Sirius stared quietly at the sleeping pack of dogs and deer. There were more deer than just the Stag that defended him sleeping in the pile now and he remembered similar moments with the Marauders.

_Sirius contentedly licked at Moony's muzzle and he didn't know if he'd ever felt so at peace. Being the biggest of them, James took the outside position and curled around Moony on one side while Sirius flanked his other side. Peter was scrambling over the three of them trying to find a steady and comfortable spot. Moony looked down at him and huffed slightly. It had been a good night and dawn was soon coming. He nosed against the fur fondly and received a pleased lick at his ear._

They had been happy. All of them. Now Peter was dead, James stressed with family life and the downward spiral of his brother's life, and Remus was...he was miserable and potentially already off in another man's arms. The Marauders were broken now. It would never be the same as it was. And if he ever made it out of here, which was still not guaranteed, then what would even be left? If Remus couldn't love him as he was now then would he be able to love Sirius broken even further? 

Full of grief again, Sirius wondered. Maybe it would be better to stay here. These beings didn't seem to mind his presence and there was almost a promise of endless hunts and romps through the forests. He could stay as a Dog for eternity or he could be like the She-Wolf and shift back and forth. Or maybe he could go ahead and pass through beyond the Veil and join Regulus and Uncle Alphard.

_"H-hey," Remus giggled breathlessly as he wriggled under Sirius' sensual assault._

_Fingers strengthened with years of being a Beater dug into those bony hips while his mouth paused over the sensitive skin at the inner thigh the Pureblood loved to nip and suck on._

_"What?" Sirius panted before licking his lips and mouthing softly over the skin again._

_Remus squirmed a bit more and a blush deepened on his cheeks, its color almost matching the duvet._

_"I...I just wanted to say that, uh, I...well, I..." Hazel eyes were shut up behind the squeezing eyelids and Remus braced his whole body. "I love you," he squeezed out in a whisper._

_Sirius' mouth came off the skin he was teasing with a pop and he gaped at Remus. They had never said the words to each other before - Sirius because his upbringing was not conducive to expressing such things and Remus because...well, Sirius always assumed it was because Remus didn't love him_ that way _enough or because he just didn't want to make Sirius uncomfortable. But here they were, the words spoken._

_"Remus..." He really wasn't sure what he was supposed to say. Lily would probably slap him upside the head for this later, but he just didn't think he could say such a thing back. Not now and maybe not ever._

_"L-look, I know that you...have a hard time saying it." The hazel eyes peeked out but his body was still wound tight with tension. "I don't expect you to, Sirius. Because I already know. I can see it in everything you do for and with me. I feel it when we make love. I hear it when you ask me about my day. I taste it in your kisses and I...well I smell it when you burn breakfast."_

_This brought a startled laugh to the surprised wizard and Remus blushed even more deeply._

_"Uh, wow," Sirius replied with a sheepish grin._

_The werewolf just shrugged. "You don't have to say anything, Sirius. I just...wanted you to know."_

_"Okay," he replied softly before pressing another kiss against Remus' thigh. "Okay."_

Sirius knew himself well enough to know that he would forever regret not doing everything that he could to get back to Remus. If Remus really had decided to give his love to another person then he would just accept it and either move on or not. That could be decided later. But he just couldn't quit before he even confronted the other man! He couldn't be at peace knowing that he had given up before he had given it his all. It was what Remus deserved, what they had been willing to vow on. Nothing separating them but the finality of death.

"I'm not dead yet," he stated flatly. "That bastard might have taken my finger and my desire by force but I'll be damned before I just sit on my arse and accept it. Remus is worth everything and more to me. There's nothing I won't give to get him back."

"I see," the She-Wolf replied softly.

"So how do I remove my magic?"

Saying the words was more painful than he could have imagined but he was determined.

"I will take you to where you must go," the Huntress stated. Her fingers brushed the tips of his hair fondly. "You are not a coward."

"I've been many things," Sirius muttered, "but a coward has never been one of them."

"We must go, then, and may you have the strength to endure what you are seeking."

Sirius wondered if these entities ever had just plain good news. Like, something where not every step of the journey was fraught with pain and the risk of absolute disaster. Oh, you need to break a curse? Why not do this spell and take this potion. While standing on your head. There, done. Maybe it was because he was on their turf in a world where things operated differently and he was already fucking up with their order of things so he had to pay the price for it. 

Reaching out with his trembling hand, Sirius grasped her own calloused one and wished that there was something he could pray to for help.

**

_"There's my little wizard," her voice teased as she peeked behind the rose bushes._

_Sirius squealed and moved to run past her, but Walburga snatched him up and snuggled him against her bosom._

_"No, Mother!" he giggled as he wriggled in her grip. "I've got to catch the Kappa! It's going to eat Regulus!"_

_"I'm in here!" Regulus cried out from his spot under the giant elephant ear plants. "The Kappa is already eating me!"_

_"Well, what are we waiting for?" she asked with a mischievous grin._

_As soon as his feet hit the ground Sirius wanted to race towards his brother, but he paused as he always did these days and pressed a quick kiss to his mother's rounded stomach. He couldn't wait to meet his new sibling._

_Just as quickly as he turned to race off, Sirius was now standing at the door frame to the sitting room. Mother was staring off in the distance again, the tear tracks still glistening on her cheeks. She was like this a lot more these days. Shuffling over quietly, he took the handkerchief from her clenched grip and dabbed at her beautiful face. There would be no more siblings, not now and perhaps not ever. He was okay because he had Regulus, but Mother didn't seem to be so okay._

_She would never be okay again._

**

Things were boiling hot as Sirius walked forward and he wondered if maybe he was finally being sent to the Christian Hell. There were plenty who would consider that the place he was destined for and he supposed that it was a fair estimate. His experience with Regulus gave him some hope, though, that maybe the journey beyond the Veil wasn't so divided or at least maybe he was "good enough" to be allowed to be with those he loved when that time came. 

The ground was shifting beneath his feet and soon Sirius found himself in a hauntingly familiar landscape. It wasn't exactly a specific place that he had been in, but more a feeling. Whipping out his wand, Sirius swallowed thickly before making his way over the hill. Below him was a scene from some of his worst nightmares. Death Eaters were everywhere and all of them were locked in battle. Unforgiveables were being thrown out as casually as Dumbledore's sweets at Hogwarts, and screams of the injured and dying were heavy in the stifling air. 

Bile rose in his throat and Sirius felt his body immediately gear up for the fight. It didn't make sense, but he couldn't just stand around and let these Death Eaters kill others. He took advantage of his relatively hidden location and let loose several fatal curses loose on the unsuspecting opponents. It didn't take long for his position to be compromised and soon he was soaked through with sweat as he unleashed spell after countless spell. The wizards and witches he fought alongside with and those he battled against were blurred and hard for him to really see, but he could just feel who was friend and who was foe. It was like he was in the midst of the war again, desperate to inflict the most damage all while surviving so that he could go back home to Remus and James and Lily and Harry and Peter...but there would be no more Peter. Peter was on the other side of things and now he was gone for good. 

A spell blasted him off his feet and Sirius had the breath knocked out of him. Ringing echoed in his ears as he struggled to his feet and his vision swam as he fell back over. An enemy figure advanced on him, green light sparking from the tip of his wand before there was a splash of red and the figure's body fell over free of its head. Sirius stared up in horror at the crystalline clear figure standing over the freshly dead body.

Four arms waved around menacingly, one with a bloodied crescent-shaped blade and another with the severed head of the wizard he had been dueling. The battle continued to rage around them, but all Sirius could see was the naked entity standing before him. Pitch black hair was disheveled and flew wildly around her body, the majority of which hung heavily down past her thighs - thighs which were a midnight blue black like the rest of her youthful body. Dangling off her belt was a collection of severed human arms and even more grotesque was the garland of severed heads hanging off her neck like priceless heirloom jewelry. White fangs glinted past her full lips in a frightening grin and it seemed to only highlight her crimson eyes burning with a familiar rage and ferociousness. 

It was the most terrifying thing he had ever seen.

He felt himself fall backwards in an attempt to scramble away from this being and she strode forward purposefully, lifting her right foot and pressing it against his chest firmly to keep him on the ground. Even with all the Deathly Hallows still in his possession and the Elder Wand in hand, Sirius felt absolutely impotent before her. She laughed uninhibitedly at his trembling and stuck out her shockingly red tongue in a teasing manner. 

"Are you ready for what needs to be done?" she asked casually as if there weren't dismembered body parts as the only decorations on her save the gold hoop in her nose and the gold crown on her head. Sirius didn't think he'd ever been this close to a naked female since he'd been birthed by Walburga.

"W-what are you going to do to me?" he yelled, desperate to be heard over the sounds of the battlefield. Shouldn't they be fighting the others? Was she even on the Order's side?

"I'm going to free you," she replied simply.

Swallowing down the fear, he nodded. "What do you need from me?"

"Everything." Her eyes were glittering with bloodlust and she shook the decapitated head. "You will give and give and give until there is no more to give."

"Oh, is that all?" he snapped in aggravation. 

She threw her head back and laughed in glee. "Come, let us revel in the battle! You've come with things that you can not take back with you."

One hand reached down to help him up as soon as her foot came off his chest and Sirius found himself rushing back into the fray with this entity by his side. They fought and duelled over and over, with wave after wave of Death Eaters crashing down on them. It was like all of his worst nightmares tied up in one and then he saw _him._ Rage and hate boiled over and he launched himself at the taller and bulkier figure, recognizing Fenrir even in the strange haze that everyone had. He grappled with him in hand-to-hand combat, ignoring the cuts and bruises he received. His throat was raw from his endless screams of rage, blood painted under every single fingernail and across his cheeks. Sirius didn't care how much he ached or that each new bite sent flames through his body. 

He hated Fenrir. 

He hated him more than he had ever hated anyone, even Voldemort. And he still hated Voldemort and the Death Eaters and the war that they forced on such young people. He hated Dumbledore for stealing his youth and for twisting guilt around Remus, forcing the werewolf to do things he never wanted to do. He hated Snape for being so fucking talented and yet poisonous and scathing to anyone and everyone. He hated Peter for being cowardly enough to betray the only friends he ever had. He hated his parents for their stifling and prejudiced way of living and the expectations that they crushed him under until he had to run. 

But as he fought and kicked and scratched and bit and clawed like the animal he was, Sirius came to a startling conclusion.

More than all the others he hated combined, he hated _himself._

Stumbling back away from the werewolf, Sirius waved his wand violently and summoned the FiendFyre. He had to destroy everything and everyone. Sweat stung his eyes and his hands trembled as he struggled with unleashing the angry flames. It was unruly Dark Magic and he knew that he was in no state to be casting such a thing but he did it anyway. Like the Black he was, Sirius poured every ounce of hate into the spell. Every person he ever hated fueled him and the screams of their agonizing destruction burned at his ears until he was sobbing. There was no relief in their demise. 

The Elder Wand shattered in his hands, busting apart with the force of the magic being channeled through it and the Fyre twisted to turn on him. It's gaping maw smoldered and blistered at his skin as he rushed towards him. It was agonizing pain, the fire licking and charring at his flesh and bones, swallowing him whole to suffer for all the wrongs he had done.

_"P-please stop!" the half-blood begged, his body drenched in sweat and twitching. He didn't bear the Dark Mark...yet._

_Sirius raised his wand again. "Not until you're dead," he hissed._

_"There's a knot near the base of the tree," he whispered smoothly while Severus stared at him in half-disbelief. "You've got to hit it just right..."_

_Peter's eyes stung with tears as Sirius kept laughing loudly, shoving at the pudgy boy with his foot._

_"You're a bad House Elf," he stated loudly in glee, watching as Kreacher repeatedly banged his head against the wall and ignoring Regulus' teary and begging words from behind him._

_"Regulus is dead, Sirius. I'm sorry."_

_"How fucking dare you!" Remus screamed in fury, the tears rolling down his scarred cheeks._

Sirius was a trembling mess of nothingness as he sobbed in the blue black arms cradling him. He buried his face in her ample bosom, the vaguely familiar feeling of maternal love and care washing over him. Walburga had been a mother to him once and Euphemia had been the best Mum he could have hoped for in the short few years he knew her, but this was different and all the same. She was mother and more right now.

"You have a choice to make," she whispered against his burning flesh. "It's still a choice."

"Remus," he croaked. It always would be. Over and over, he'd make that choice. "I want to love Remus."

"This will hurt," she stated softly as if he wasn't already in horrendous pain. "And the hurt will never go away. This hurt might drive you away from him in the end anyway. Is it worth it?"

"I love him," Sirius sobbed wetly. "I love him."

That bright red tongue dragged over his flayed skin for a moment before her fangs sunk in and she lapped up his blood hungrily.

**

The shock of frigid waters was nearly too much to handle and Sirius slipped under the waves for a moment. All of his muscles wanted to lock up and his heart was racing too rapidly to be okay. Sheer willpower forced him to move, desperately pushing up to the surface again. There was rain drizzling down miserably and he gasped for air and in pain as he looked around desperately. A shoreline caught his attention but it was so far away. 

Another wave washed over his head and Sirius was drowning. His legs kicked and brought him stuttering back to the surface to spit up the water in his lungs. He was so close to the end and he was so tired of fighting. Bone-weary seemed too light a phrase to describe what he was feeling. 

With a deep choking breath he put his head down and began to swim. One arm in front of another, graceless kicks innumerable - over and over again. If he was going to die now, it would be while making these strokes. He tried to shift into the Dog to get a better rhythm but nothing happened. There was no Dog to call on anymore.

 _"You can cry as soon as you touch that sand, arsehole_ ," he told himself. " _And not a second before._ "

But by the time he dragged his heavy body onto the gritty and painful sand all Sirius Black could do was laugh breathlessly. He was probably going to freeze to death on the beach because he had literally no energy left to move. The frigid water continued to lap at his legs and steal the sand under him as if it could drag him back into her watery depths. Every being and thing seemed to want him to die and he couldn't help but find it funny at this point. 

Resting his cheek against the sand, Sirius decided that he had bloody well earned a nap. If he woke up beyond the Veil, well, it didn't really matter anymore. He had officially and truly given it his all. He had expended every energy, had sacrificed everything asked, and had kept choosing Remus. He laughed even harder at the relief of not feeling that agonizing pull for Fenrir. 

He felt nothing anymore. Everything was numb.

**

Blinking slowly, it took Sirius a few minutes for his eyes to come back into proper focus. Golden sunlight filtered through the air and along warm wooden floorboards. Crisp white sheets were highlighted in the light and made his eyes squint again. It was hard to look at any one thing for too long and he rested his eyes for a moment while he felt out the rest of his body. Everything seemed to function well enough with what little movements he was trying. Everything did hurt though. He was heavy and sore and so very drained. 

Footsteps came from the other side and he slowly turned to face the visitor. Golden hair, hazel eyes, and shimmery scars. He smiled softly and felt those rough fingers stroke over his face and neck. He felt the warm tear drops fall against his skin.

"How are you feeling?" Remus asked softly. "Do you recognize me? The doctors said that you've been unconscious for most of the time."

"I'd know you anywhere," Sirius whispered.

Remus knelt down beside his bed and continued to stroke his face. From this close Sirius could see all the silver hair that had already come in; it was a lot more than he had had the last time Sirius had remembered seeing him. How long ago had that been? 

"How are you feeling?"

Sirius continued to stare at that familiar face and he felt the tears welling up. "So fucking glad to see you, Remus." 

"What were you doing?" Remus hiccuped softly with his cries. "What were you fucking thinking?"

"Remus, tell me the truth," Sirius blurted out. "Do you love me anymore? Do you want me?"

"Wha-?! Why would you even have to ask?" he gasped in surprise. "You...I've always loved you, Sirius!"

Cupping that beautiful face with both of his hands, Sirius leaned forward and claimed those lips the way he had been dying to for almost a year. He could have sobbed with the relief of feeling _nothing_ trying to pull him away but he didn't want to stop kissing long enough to cry. Remus was frozen in shock for a few moments before hungrily devouring him back. His hands tugged Sirius close as if he never wanted to be separated from him again and the Pureblood was sure that he'd be more than happy with an arrangement like that. Pulling away for a moment Remus stared into his eyes, looking for any kind of resistance or conflict. Sirius smiled shakily and shook his head.

"Just yours, Remus," he whispered. "All yours."

A shaky breath was expelled from the werewolf and he leaned forward to press his head against Sirius' chest. He clutched tightly around his lovers waist and just sobbed. Sirius knew that if Remus had found him it wouldn't be long before Dumbledore was here and demanding to know what happened. Lying back against the pillows, he stared at the ceiling and just rested in the grip of his one and only.


	7. Epilogue

"I don't really remember much," Sirius replied softly and he felt Remus wrap a protective arm around his shoulders. 

Dumbledore was frowning down at the two of them as he stood to his full height. The black-haired man felt annoyed with the power play, like Dumbledore was going to try to intimidate him or something. It hadn't ever worked at Hogwarts and it sure as hell wasn't going to work here. Regardless, what he stated was at least partially true. His memories after stepping through the Veil were...odd. He couldn't really be sure of what really happened or what his mind had been whipping up as he had to deal with realms that transcended the finite capacities of a wizard's mind.

"The Medi-Witch in charge has informed me of some unusual results from her tests." Sirius wanted to snarl in annoyance at the invasion of his privacy. No one had given Dumbledore permission to see his personal files here at the hospital. "She says that as far as their diagnostics can tell you are fully and utterly without any magic. Is this true?"

Remus jerked in surprise beside him and it took everything in him not to react. He just stared blankly at the old man.

"What?" he asked in pseudo-confusion. "What are you talking about?"

Now it was Dumbledore's turn to look surprised. "You didn't know?"

"How am I supposed to know?" he growled out. "I've woken up in a strange hospital and barely had any time to gather my wits about me before you barged in here demanding answers that I'm sure I don't have!"

"Are you telling me that you have no recollection of attacking me? Or what you took from my possession?"

He blinked slowly a few times and tilted his head. "Attacked you? Why would I do that?" 

In truth, he did remember that bit quite well and it took a good deal of effort not to wince at the vague memory of what had happened to those items. The Elder Wand shattered and the Resurrection Stone slipping off his finger as he desperately swam towards the shore. The only Deathly Hallow he had managed to retain was the Invisibility Cloak safely hidden away so that it could be rightly returned to James when things were safe.

Dumbledore looked to Remus now and made a gesture towards the door. "Mr. Lupin, I'd like to have some words in private with you."

Remus looked a bit conflicted and his arm tightened around Sirius a bit more before he pulled away in resignation. Sirius didn't make a fuss; he knew that Dumbledore's word was law to the poor werewolf. He rubbed at his temples and wondered what Remus would do if that old bastard ordered him to stay away from Sirius. Sadness settled in his stomach as he remembered that during the war that's exactly was happened and Remus had complied. It had been a major wedge between them for a while. 

Chuckling mirthlessly, Sirius laid back on his pillows and rolled over to face the wall. What would Remus have done if their places had been switched? Would he have just smiled sadly at Sirius and apologized before following after his Sire? Would he have bothered to even look for a solution? Instinctively he reached for the Dog again to feel it's comforting warmth and found nothing. Cold nothing. Another sob bubbled up in his throat but Sirius realized that he just couldn't cry anymore. He was too empty.

**

"Look at me, look at me!" 

Silver eyes followed the tenuous journey Harry was taking through his dad's broom obstacle course. The kid was pretty great at going in a straight line at high speeds but James was right to make him work on the steering. He sucked. Sirius nodded to the five year old as he took another long drag from his cigarette. Lily no longer complained about his vice; she just put up protective charms around their newborn and smiled pityingly at him. 

"Getting better!" James encouraged as Harry finally made a turn that he'd been struggling with. "Look at him, Sirius! They're going to have to make him a part of the team in his first year!"

"Psh, of course!" he replied airily. "You know that Minnie's practically salivating as she waits for him to get old enough to join. They're desperate for another House Cup!"

"I'm going to win the House Cup!" Harry declared as he swooped around an oddly shaped hedge. It really was amazing to see him grow and get better. The boy had natural talents, but it looked like he had room to grow. Maybe he'd be a professional Quidditch player when he graduated? "Go Gryffindor!!!!"

James let out a wild roar that startled the drowsy baby. Lily started to chide him before Effie Lilith began squealing in delight. James practically melted into a puddle at the sound and Sirius snickered. These parents were mush for their children. It was a very odd thing to see although he supposed that maybe most parents were generally like that with their own children. Harry rolled his eyes as he dismounted his broom and stood next to his godfather.

"Ugh, it's gross," he mumbled as he watched both of his parents coo over the baby girl. "It's like they think she's cute no matter what."

"She is pretty cute, though," Sirius muttered around his cigarette. His hand automatically went up to enchant protective charms around Harry to keep the smoke away from him but nothing happened and he dropped his hand. 

"Yeah, I guess so," Harry grumbled. 

"Oh, come off it, Haz," Sirius teased as he elbowed the boy lightly. "I've seen how you look at her when no one else is watching."

Now the bespectacled boy grimaced and blushed. "Don't tell anyone, okay?"

"I'd never," he huffed. "She's going to be learning to fly soon too and I think you'll be more than good enough to teach her. You're looking pretty good out there."

Green eyes lit up excitedly and Harry began bouncing on his toes. "Hey, come fly with me, Uncle Sirius! Daddy is always telling me how good you are and I want to fly!"

Sirius didn't need to have magic sensitivity to feel the emotional drop behind him.

"Harry!" James chided as he came over. "Don't...you can't..." He looked over helplessly at Sirius, fear and concern etched across his handsome face. 

"Sorry, Haz," Sirius responded calmly, "but I can't fly anymore."

"Why not?" Harry pressed regardless of his father's warning glare. The boy had always been too curious for his own good, something that Sirius loved in James and wouldn't belittle in his godson.

The cigarette was crushed violently in his hand without thought but he wore a patient smile for the boy. "Because something got broken inside of me. And sometimes we can't fix broken things."

The sounds of the wind blowing through the trees was the only sound for a breath before Harry wrinkled his face in concern.

"Will I get broken too?"

Sirius tossed the crushed remnant of his cigarette and once more automatically made to Vanish it before catching himself. James Vanished it for him instead.

"Nah, you don't have to worry about anything like that, Harry. Uncle Sirius is special. I'm good at finding ways to get hurt."

"I get hurt all the time too," Harry tried to comfort and Sirius barked a laugh as he ruffled the boy's unruly hair. 

After that Lily got up and brought the kids indoors to get cleaned before dinner. James walked around slowly, kicking at the grass underfoot. 

"Are you...how's the flat?"

Sirius shrugged. "Same as always. Moony is good at keeping things clean."

Well-muscled arms crossed over his chest. Being an Auror was good for James' figure. "And you've been...feeling okay?"

The sun was setting soon and Sirius liked how the golden light warmed all the colors around them. His skin looked far more alive in his light, color glowing instead of the translucent white he gained after months of anguish and hard living. He hadn't been back to Grimmauld Place since he left with Regulus. The scar over his ring finger's empty knuckle shimmered.

"I don't know how to answer that honestly, James." He flexed his fingers carefully, all of them still stiff. "I'm obviously thrilled to not feel that call towards Fenrir anymore, but..."

James' warm hand came over his and he looked up to see his best friend of 13 years looking up at him with moist eyes.

"Does it hurt, Sirius? The magic not being there?"

"Yes," he whispered honestly. There were things that he could say to James that he could say to no other living being. "It's like being scraped hollow and then left with this giant hole that can never be filled again. I don't know how to live without it, James, anymore than I would know how to live without Remus." Those warm hands squeezed him comfortingly. "But I made my choice," he whispered. "And I'll live with it."

"You're the strongest person I know, Sirius," James whispered back, his own tears rolling down shamelessly. "You never needed to have magic to be special or to be my brother or even to be Remus' husband. He still wants you that way and I'll always want you as my brother. We're here for you, love. Always."

"I...know."

He never doubted the love of his brother or the role that James had in his life, but this past year had really damaged his confidence in where he and Remus stood with each other. It was a strange experience to have been willing to give up everything for someone only to come out the other end angry, resentful, suspicious, and so empty.

"It's okay," James tried.

"I still love Remus, I really do." How could he explain the whirlwind of emotions brewing within? "But it hurts, James. I, I-" He looked around at the orchard and waved his hands as if he could conjure the correct words. "I don't know how to describe that I couldn't live with myself if I didn't give everything up and yet I don't know how to keep living this way. I'm worse than a fucking squib, James! I've tasted magic! I've lived and breathed and _basked_ in it for my entire life and I know what I'm missing now."

They grasped each other's hands tightly and Sirius bowed his head in grief. James ran his fingers through the limp hair, fingernails scraping lightly against the scalp and Sirius leaned into the hand more solidly.

"Just admit it," James teased with a tender and careful voice. "You're just sad because you'll miss digging up my garden beds and pissing with one leg up."

A laugh was startled out of Sirius and he wiped at his burning eyes. "That's fucking hard to do with just two legs, man."

James was laughing in turn and his smile could have melted the ice caps.

"You just need some practice, mate! I'll even practice with you if you want."

"Oh Merlin, I don't think Lily's going to want that. Next thing you know, Harry will be doing it too and she'll have my bollocks for a necklace."

They laughed together and it was almost like the old days. After a moment James spoke up again, his voice still warm but careful.

"I don't know how to best help you through this, Sirius, but I'm going to do my damnedest. Right now, would you care for a ride on the broom?" Sirius bit his lip nervously, but his hands remained steady in the hands of his brother. "You can ride in front or behind me, whatever makes you feel more comfortable and we can do it for as long as you want."

"Sure, let's go."

**

Remus watched as James straddled behind Sirius on the broom and the two of them took off. He was cradling Effie close to his chest while Lily wrangled Harry in the washroom. 

"Look at your godfather go," he whispered to the squirmy baby. She wasn't used to being with anyone other than her mother, but her good-natured demeanor kept her from screaming like a Banshee in his arms. For now at least. "He and your Daddy used to play Quidditch together. Did you know that?" She babbled softly before chewing on her fist. Large brown eyes watched after her father as he flew in circles through the air. "They...they were such a g-good team together. They always had each other's back and...and..."

He took several deep breaths to keep his emotions in check. It wasn't going to help anything to cry any more than he had for this past year.

"It'll be okay, Remus," Lily spoke up from behind him. Her hand settled on his shoulder for a moment. "We've got him back, and that's more than enough."

"Yeah, I know that it's...it's better than..."

"You can talk to me if you want, Remus. I know that this year has been total hell."

It was the same offer she had been giving him since the incident with Fenrir and he hadn't taken her up on it yet.

"I'm fine, Lily," he mumbled, pretending that the redness in his eyes didn't exist. If he ignored it she would be forced to ignore it as well. "Just a bit tired. We got in pretty late last night." Because they had taken Muggle public transportation to get back home.

She smiled sadly at him and put her hands out for her daughter. "Yeah, well Effie didn't let us get much sleep last night either." Those painted lips were in a forced smile now. "I swear, she's way worse than Harry was at her age."

"He wasn't a walk in the park either, if I'm remembering correctly," he replied. The fact that he was away on missions for almost the entirety of the war went unsaid. There wasn't a lot that Remus knew first-hand from those years.

"Now that we have Effie I don't think that I'll ever remember the truth of the matter, haha! All I can think of is him being a perfect angel!"

"Ah, parenthood," he teased back. "I hear that it gets better the further removed you are from it."

"So true," she laughed before snuggling her daughter. "Well, not all of it. There's plenty of good in the midst of it all. You and Sirius should give it a shot!"

"One thing at a time," Remus chuckled as he looked back up at the two men laughing on the broomstick. 

And for him, that one thing would be hunting down a certain werewolf. The snarl curled on his lips as he watched James hold Sirius tightly so that he wouldn't slide off. If it wasn't going to hurt Sirius then he was going to get revenge.


End file.
